Meeting Steven and Valence

Not much news from Harry, other than a few short emails, but it sounds like he's having a great time.  Early this morning, he sent me this photo of him with our two ANLM-sponsored boys in Kageyo.

Obviously, I know my husband's various smiles and facial expressions, and this particular one tells me that he's VERY happy.  I love it!

On His Way

Harry left this morning on a vision trip to Rwanda with Africa New Life Ministries.  The girls and I are going to miss him so much, especially on Thanksgiving, but I'm very excited about his adventure.

He arrives in Kigali tomorrow night.  It's going to be a full week of seeing the various ministries of ANLM.  One of the highlights will be meeting our two sponsored boys, Steven and Valence, and their families in Kageyo.

Sunday afternoon the group will visit the Home of Hope orphanage.  I can't even imagine what it's going to be like for him.  He really has no idea what he's walking into.  Harry's also going to deliver our final documents to MIGEPROF (hopefully) to complete our dossier.

Here are some photos before we left for the airport:

Our two-year-old doesn't like to cooperate these days

A family hug

Guess she's fine posing by herself

I-171H - Check!

"It has been determined that you are able to furnish proper care to an orphan(s) as defined by Section 101(B)(1)(F) of the Immigration and Nationality Act."

Thank you very much, Department of Homeland Security and USCIS! 

We received our I-171H in the mail today.  Next week, I'll work on getting it and our updated medical forms authenticated and sent over to Kigali to complete our dossier that's already there.  Or, now that I'm thinking about it, I may wait until Harry heads to Kigali next month, and he can deliver the forms to MIGEPROF in person.

This week we also found out our number - that is, where we are in line to adopt, or at least to receive approval to adopt from the Rwandan government.  I had heard that there were almost 200 dossiers in line, so I was expecting a very high number.  As in the 190s.  But happily, we're 128.  We'll take it!

Earlier this morning, Harry said he felt led to read Psalm 128 as he was thinking about and praying for our little girl.  He walked out of the bedroom and said, "You've got to read this." 

He "happened" to read the Psalm in the Message version:

All you who fear God, how blessed you are!
how happily you walk on his smooth straight road!
You worked hard and deserve all you've got coming,
Enjoy the blessing!  Revel in the goodness!

Your wife will bear children as a vine bears grapes,
your household lush as a vineyard,
The children around your table
as fresh and promising as young olive shoots.
Stand in awe of God's Yes.
Oh, how he blesses the one who fears God!

Enjoy the good life in Jerusalem
everyday of your life.
And enjoy your grandchildren.
Peace to Israel!

Harry and I continue to marvel at how God is working in our hearts and in our family. While it's difficult to wait for our daughter, we are trusting God and committed to using this wait time wisely.  The Together for Adoption conference we attended last weekend gave us a lot to think about in preparation for the arrival of our precious third daughter.

How the Lord has blessed us already with His Presence, friends walking this journey with us, and great resources!  We stand in awe of God's Yes.

The Whirlwind

I think I've recovered emotionally and physically from the chaos we experienced last month with the unexpected announcement that Rwandan adoptions are closing down indefinitely.  It feels a little indulgent to write about it in such detail (sorry - it's really long), but I don't want to forget what God has done.  It's taken me a month to write about it, and as I continue to reflect on all that happened, my faith in the Lord grows stronger. 

No, not because I got the outcome I wanted.  Frankly, the outcome I want is our little girl in our arms and in our family, and we're still a long way from that.  This fire drill was just to get in line for approval from the Rwandan government to adopt one of their orphans.  We don't have any guarantees that we'll be approved, and we don't have any idea of when we'll hear something from them.  I'm hoping we'll know something by this time next year, but earlier than that would be great.

But I did see how much God will do for orphans, and for our little girl in particular.  I was reminded over and over again that God's plans will not be thwarted, that He is all-powerful, and that I can trust Him with every detail of my life.  Nothing is too small or insignificant to escape His notice.  Our God is worthy of all glory and honor and praise, regardless of what He chooses to do or not to do.  And through this experience, He loudly confirmed His call on our lives. 

My one goal on Wednesday, August 25th, was to upload photos from our trip to California the week before.  (Still haven't done that!)  I was planning for it to be a low-key day.  I needed a low-key day.  As it turned out, Wednesday was the start of one of the craziest weeks of my life.

Around 12:30 pm, I was running an errand with Meredith prior to my Mom bringing Claire back from an overnight stay.  In the car, I looked at my email and saw one from Tina with the subject line of 'Brace Yourself.'  Never a good sign so I was cringing as I opened the email.  Here's part of what it said:

I don’t know where to begin. There is no easy way to say what I have to say. I got an email and it is not good news. In fact it is devastating. Through tears I will type these words.....I just learned that on August 30 Rwanda will not be accepting any more dossiers until further notice, which will be posted on their website. It seems that they want to become a Hague compliant country and feel like they need to focus their attention on establishing the new procedures for international adoption and they cannot do this AND deal with the mass volume of dossiers that keep flooding in.

It seems that the dossiers that are already there will be accepted and worked on as soon as possible...but to expect further delays. For now it seems that the dossiers that are there will be processed as they have been processed in the past using the same guidelines...

I tried calling my contacts as soon as I got this email but I can’t get in touch with anyone via phone right now....but I felt I needed to get this out to you all ASAP...even though I have limited details. I am so very sorry. No one had any idea this was coming. I believe even the agencies are unaware of this and you are the first to get this horrible news.

I literally felt like I was going to throw up.  That's what I emailed to a good friend when I forwarded her the email.  I couldn't reach Harry by phone, and my mind felt fuzzy.  Later, I realized that it was almost the exact same reaction I had to my miscarriage three years ago.  (I found out later that Harry had the same reaction as he did to the news of the miscarriage.)  In both situations, I couldn't focus, and I didn't know what to do other than keep trying to reach Harry.  Maybe he would tell me what to do.  (Not my usual reaction...)

A few friends who'd heard the news called and asked what we were going to do, but I didn't have an answer.  I had no idea, and I still hadn't talked to Harry.  I was reeling because I couldn't believe that this was the end of the road on our Rwandan adoption.  We were convinced that God had called us to this.  And we already felt like she's ours, even though we don't know what her sweet face looks like!

Jennie called, and she was the one to dynamite me out of my fog.  Very emphatically, she told me to get on a plane to D.C. and go get our documents approved, that it wasn't too late, that we couldn't give up.  Her confidence got my mind working again.  It seemed like a very long shot, but it certainly was worth trying.

Providentially, Harry and I had a 2:00 meeting scheduled that day at home with Mark, one of our pastors.  In the few minutes that Harry and I had to talk prior to Mark arriving, we decided that we needed to try to make the deadline.  I laid all of our documents out in front of us and realized that we had everything except updated medical forms and the I-171h (U.S. Government approval to adopt), which are documents that can be updated/added to the dossier after it's in Kigali.  We just needed everything notarized, certified, and authenticated.  (Yeah, "just"!! It seemed like a giant mountain at the time.) Thankfully, Mark had heard what was happening, so when he arrived, he prayed with us and offered to stay at the house with our sleeping children. 

Harry and I raced down to his office to have his assistant notarize our documents.  At his office, I realized I was missing one (the Power of Attorney document - kind of important!), so I created it there.  In my haste, I'd also forgotten to grab our tax forms for proof of income, so I had to go back home before heading down to the Texas Secretary of State's office to get everything certified.  (Thank God we live in the capital!)

Reagan and Dave showed up at the Secretary of State's office soon after I did as they were in the same boat as we were.  She mentioned something about a 6:45 flight to D.C., but it really didn't register as an option.  It seemed impossible to make.  I figured I'd take a morning flight so I'd have time to think through everything and make sure I had what I needed.

I got home about 5:00 pm and started to feed the girls.  Harry was looking for flights for me online and mentioned that I'd get to D.C. pretty late in the day on Thursday if I flew out in the morning.  I wasn't paying much attention to what he said, and then about 5:20, I got a voice message from Reagan saying that she was on her way to the airport to try to make the 6:45 flight.  That's when it really hit me that I needed to go.

I started freaking out internally, ran into my closet and started throwing stuff into a suitcase.  Harry didn't realize what I was doing, so we were yelling at each other from opposite ends of the house while the girls were in the kitchen hollering for more food.  Until the last moment, Harry didn't even know about the message from Reagan or why I was packing so frantically.  It was complete chaos, and I felt incredibly stressed out.  Not my best moment.

I literally ran out of the house at 5:35, with the girls screaming for me.  It was awful.  I didn't even have time to stop and tell them goodbye or explain where I was going.  It was going to be a work of God to make the flight as it was.  Amazingly, I hit almost every green light on the back way to the airport.  Without traffic, it takes 20 minutes.  In the full swing of rush hour, I got there in 25 minutes!  Both Reagan and I made the flight, although I wasn't sure what was in my bag, who was going to watch my children while I was away, or what our plan was when we arrived in the middle of the night in D.C.  I was riding a huge wave of adrenaline.

At this point, we were still under the impression that our dossiers would have to be in Kigali on Monday, August 30.  I didn't know how that would happen (even FedEx wouldn't get it there by the deadline), but regardless, I knew it couldn't happen unless all of my documents were authenticated by the proper authorities in D.C.  At the airport, I started crying when Reagan told me that Jessica, a young woman in our church, was willing to fly to Kigali on Saturday in order to hand-deliver our dossiers to the minister in charge of adoptions.  Who does that for someone?!?  I was blown away!  With that news, I was confident that God was in this and that He would somehow make a way for us.

On our layover in Dallas, Reagan and I realized that we'd bought tickets to two different airports - me to Dulles and Reagan to Baltimore.  (A few important details got lost in the frantic voice messages and texts.)  Both flights arrived well after midnight.  When we parted ways in the DFW airport, I called Harry and started bawling.  The adrenaline was wearing off, and the whole thing seemed insane with Reagan but seemed frightening and overwhelming without her by my side. 

How in the world would we meet up in D.C. and get to where we needed to be first thing in the morning?!?  It seemed very scary to do it alone and on such little sleep.  Harry reassured me that God was with me and that everything would be fine.  Thankfully, the way God worked in this case was he gave Dave the good sense to tell Reagan to ask at the ticket counter if she could change to my flight.  Her flight was overbooked so they let her do it.  I was very relieved when she showed up at my gate!

On the plane to D.C., I was so wired that I didn't sleep a wink even though it was way past my bedtime.  I remembered that in the past few months, I've been praying that I would feel desperate for God, that I would draw near to Him in ways I hadn't before.  Boy, was I feeling desperate on that flight!  I wrote down every prayer request I could think of - all of the things that needed to happen on Thursday and Friday in order to meet the deadline.  Just as I was ready to try to sleep, the captain announced our descent into D.C. and the lights came up.

Once we arrived at our airport hotel about two in the morning, we created additional documents for our dossiers and found directions to the State Department and the Embassy.  We also discovered that the State Department only does authentications from 7:30 to 11:30 am.  If we had flown in Thursday morning, we would have missed it for that day!  After two hours of semi-sleep, we got up at 5:00 am to take the shuttle back to the airport, get on a Metro bus for a 40 minute ride to the Metro station, and take the Metro to the State Department authentications office.  We arrived shortly before 7:00 am which gave us time to pray together and get a bite to eat.

Reagan outside the State Dept office


The State Department will authenticate up to 15 documents per person per day, which is not what we had heard from others.  We expected to have to beg them to make an exception for us.  As it turned out, I had 14 document bundles and Reagan had 16, so she handed me one of hers to put in my pile.  No exceptions required.  We sailed right through the process and were done by about 8:15 am.  One of many, many answers to prayer. 

We headed directly to the Embassy and prayed that God would give them sympathy to our plight, that someone would be willing to approve our documents by Friday.

The first man we spoke to told us that it takes a week for the Embassy to authenticate the adoption documents.  We said, "We understand, but this is an unusual situation."  He walked away and soon another man asked how he could help us.  We asked him to authenticate our documents by Friday so they could go to Kigali on Saturday.  He just looked at us incredulously and told us it wasn't possible.  He said that it takes a week or more to authenticate documents, that they already had a big pile of dossiers to authenticate, and that they had just heard about the minister's announcement on Wednesday. 

But this was the man that God had given us - Vianney.  I prayed my brains out right there and said what was on my heart - inarticulate, weepy, desperate.  I told him that we had heard the news the day before as well, and we'd gotten on a plane last night in Texas and flown overnight because this was our only chance.  I remember Reagan motioning to the stacks of documents in our hands and saying, "Please!  These are our babies!" 

It was only by God's grace that he took pity on us.  Vianney very nicely but reluctantly took our documents "since we came all the way from Texas" but would not guarantee that we would have them by Friday.  At that point, I didn't care about a guarantee because the Embassy now officially had my documents in their possession on August 26th!

When Vianney walked away, we both sank into the couch and started crying.  It felt like we'd gotten over a a huge hurdle - the uncertainty had been completely overwhelming in the moment - and I was so relieved and grateful to God that I felt like weeping. 

Since we didn't have anywhere else to be in D.C., we ended up sitting on the Embassy couch for hours, communicating with people by text and email.  We saw lots of couriers come and go and heard Vianney tell many people over the phone that they were not accepting anymore dossiers.  At that point, we thought we were the last ones to get into the Embassy before the deadline.

One particular interaction with a courier that morning stands out in my mind.  As he was leaving, he saw us sitting on the couch and asked if we were waiting for dossiers as well.   Reagan said yes, that we were prospective adoptive families who had just dropped off our dossiers.  He looked at us with a surprising mix of condescension and pity, raised his eyebrows, and said, "Yeah, well, good luck with that" and gave the distinct impression that he thought we were idiots.  Reagan said, "Yeah, we're praying they'll get our dossiers done in time" and with that, he scurried out without another word.  I think the reason that interaction was so memorable to me was because it was on the heels of us seeing all that God had done to pave our way.  My internal reaction was, "You have NO CLUE just Who we have on our side!"

As it turned out, the situation was pretty fluid, with prospective adoptive families and their friends contacting everyone they could think of between Washington and Kigali - Senators, Congressmen, the U.S. Consulate in Kigali, and the Minister herself.  By Friday, it began to look like the ministry would accept all dossiers if they were stamped by the Embassy in D.C. by Tuesday, August 31. 

Reagan and I both got to talk to other families during the day on Friday and encouraged them to get to D.C. as soon as possible, to not give up.  To us, every family that tried to make the deadline represented at least one more orphan who would have a forever family.

When we went back to the Embassy to check on the status of our documents on Friday afternoon, we found out that the person who signs the approval letter was called out of town early Friday morning, so no progress had been made on any files.  Vianney told us to come back on Monday afternoon.

At this point, I desperately wanted to be home with my family.  After three days of feeling so out of control, emotionally I felt like it would be best for me to go home for the weekend and return to D.C. on Monday.  I didn't want to sit around for 72 hours waiting and wondering.  Thankfully, we were able to find cheap flights home, leaving at noon on Saturday.

I ended up staying Friday night with family friends out in the Virginia suburbs, which was a great escape from the chaos.  Reagan stayed in Arlington with a friend of hers.  The next morning, Linda drove me to the Metro station to catch the train into Reagan National Airport.  The usual 20-minute drive to the station turned out to be an hour and a half traffic nightmare.  I've never seen so many cars not moving AT ALL, and I was praying like crazy and trying not to panic.  I really, really, really wanted to go home to my family.  When we finally arrived at 10:20, the line to get on the train was snaking around the parking lot, literally a thousand people waiting.  Another "I think I'm going to throw up" moment for me, along with a few "God, why does everything have to be so difficult this week??" thoughts thrown in. 

As it turns out, Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally was taking place in D.C. that afternoon, and I hadn't even considered the consequences for public transportation.  I texted Reagan and said, "I'm not going to make the flight!"  She called me and long story short, she and her friends jumped in their car, raced out to the suburbs to pick me up, and somehow got us to the airport at 11:25 for our 12:00 flight.  My nerves were totally shot!

I was so glad to be at home with Harry and the girls and to be with my church family on that Sunday.  It was just what my heart needed.  I flew back to D.C. early on Monday morning to get our approved documents as well as Reagan and Dave's.  The plan was for me to put both of our dossiers together and FedEx them to Kigali from D.C. and hopefully fly home on Tuesday. 

Isaac and Tara with Vianney

The best part of going back to D.C. was getting the opportunity to meet other prospective families who had flown into D.C. over the weekend.  Two of the families were ones that I'd first spoken to on Friday and had encouraged to come to D.C.  It's amazing what instant connections are formed when you go through such an experience together!

SOOO happy when Carol handed
me my completed documents!

Thankfully, the Embassy workers stayed late and completed my documents on Monday, but Reagan's documents weren't completed until Tuesday.  I was able to put together our dossier and FedEx it on Monday night, but I ended up bringing Reagan's documents back to Austin with me on Tuesday.

Overall, this was such a rich experience of seeing God work, and it answered some questions for me.  I've wondered if I could love another baby as much as the two I have. Through this experience, I don't have any doubt. In our hearts, this baby is already ours.  That was our knee-jerk response to the announcement, and our immediate prayer was, "Lord, please make a way!"  I'm eternally grateful for the Lord's confirmation of our unconditional love for this child.

Yes, we were willing to respectfully accept a 'no' if that's what the authorities along the way told us, but we knew we had to try to make the impossible deadline.  The cost, inconvenience and uncertainty didn't sway either of us at all.  It was obvious at the time that it was the right thing for us to do.

A friend sent Harry an email while I was in D.C.  It put this whole episode in a new perspective for me:

Harry - I do not know if it is my current state of affairs or what, but the picture I see of you & Cici pursuing the "one" life of a small child is such a picture of the Father's pursuit of us. I know the child has no idea of the love and investment being made on her behalf even before she is a part of the family. My prayer is that soon she will know her father and there after her Heavenly Father.

Interceding and tears on your behalf before our Dad,
Bob

It seems to me that's what each of the prospective adoptive families I know are doing - reflecting the love of our Father to a small child who has no idea of the love and investment being made on their behalf.  What a privilege for us to be used by God in this way!

I am so grateful for the Body of Christ.  Brothers and sisters in Christ, many of whom I'll never meet, have sustained us with their prayers, not just for us but for the Embassy workers, who are a great group of people.  And God answered all of our prayers.  He made a way. 

And so we continue to trust Him with the rest of our journey.  What an amazing adventure this has been so far, one that I never could have scripted!

Finally DTR! (Dossier to Rwanda)

I've had intentions of writing about my adventure in Washington D.C., but everytime I sit down to write out the story, I'm exhausted beyond words.  I'm not sure why.  One of these days I'll blog about it. 

God answered so many prayers, and it was incredible to see His hand in the midst of the circumstances.  It really was an adventure of a lifetime, and although it was chaos at times, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.  One of the highlights for me was being able to meet other adoptive families who were in the same boat and who were scrambling like we were.

The short story is that we made it.  Our documents were stamped by the Embassy on August 30th.  Praise God!  And our attorney
delivered our dossier to MIGEPROF yesterday, September 7th.  We are officially in line to adopt.  We're praying for you, baby girl, and can't wait for you to join our family!

How Embarrassing

I got the urge to clean out closets this week.  I don't know why, but it seemed like a good idea.  We don't have a lot of closet or storage space to begin with, and I realized that the space we do have is filled with who-knows-what.  So I decided to tackle the guest bedroom closet which is full of papers, files, boxes, books, and anything else I can't stash somewhere else.  It's a disaster, and I cringe everytime I open the closet door.

This little task turned into a multiple day project, interrupted by a two-day conference, so we have piles of papers, file folders and junk all over the house - the dining room table, the kitchen counter, the dresser in my room, the mantle in the living room - plus a scattered assortment of stuff to take to Goodwill.  On Monday, I decided that if I was going to do this job, I'd do it right.  That meant dealing with every file and every piece of paper, once and for all.  But I didn't anticipate that it would be an unfinished project when I left for the conference on Thursday morning.  Ugh.

So last night, after the girls were in bed, I decided to finish my project.  I grabbed a big pile of file folders from the mantle, sat down in front of the television, and started sorting.  About halfway through the pile, as I was moving a folder, I looked down to see a folded green document mixed in with a few other papers, between file folders. 

My first thought was, "You've got to be kidding me." 

My next fleeting thought was, "I am such an idiot!!!  I looked everywhere for that."

The very next thought was, "God knew it all along.  He's in control of this too."

That folded green document was my birth certificate.  The one I couldn't find in March so I had to order it from the State Department.  The one that I waited three months to receive.  The one that held up our home study and filing the I-600a.  THAT birth certificate. 

And I apparently had it in my possession all along.  Argh!!

Thankfully, my husband was very gracious about it when I told him what I found.  He wasn't mad or irritated (which is probably how I would have felt if the shoe was on the other foot...)  He just reminded me that God knows the child He has for us. 

I'm not TOO upset about my find because I recognize that the Lord has been working in me though this adoption process, especially in the wait for my birth certificate.  But I confess I am a little embarrassed.

In the Mail

Our I-600A application is FINALLY in the mail!

Perhaps it's just preparation for waiting in the coming months, but the process so far has been frustrating and humbling.  I thought things would move quickly once I received my birth certificate, but I was wrong.  It took an extra month to receive our final home study report.  Sigh.

But we have the report now, and it's on its way to USCIS.  So now we head into the next approval cycle.  I'm hoping our approval will be here in 4-6 weeks, but I should know better than to speculate.  To date, nothing has gone according to my plan...

It's been a tough month emotionally.  Part of it has to do with the apparent disconnect between what I say I believe and how that belief is working itself out in my life. 

I know that God is in control.  I truly believe that His ways are best.  I know I'll never have satisfactory answers as to why things are taking so long.  And intellectually, I'm okay with that.  I don't have a right to know, and I will never be able to see the full picture as God does.

But on an emotional level, I'm struggling.  In a number of different areas of my life, I have a strong desire to control my circumstances.  Between dysfunctional extended family-relationships, a mentally-exhausting two-year-old, the tiresome waiting on others to complete seemingly basic adoption tasks, and my own selfish desires, I have lost my focus on God's way and become wrapped up in my circumstances.  It hasn't been pretty.

I'm grateful for the Word of God and how He speaks to me through it.  In the midst of my struggle, Psalm 131 (Msg) recently reminded me where my hope lies:

God, I'm not trying to rule the roost,
I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.

I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.

Wait, Israel, for God.  Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

I continue to trust God to cultivate a quiet heart in me.  I want my soul to be content, regardless of circumstances.  I will wait with hope, knowing that God is doing His work in me.  Hope now.  Hope always.

Okay, I Believe It!

My birth certificate is here.  Yea!!  It arrived in the mail today.

After waiting for nearly twelve weeks, having it in my hands seems almost anticlimactic, oddly enough. 

But I am grateful to God for what He's shown me about myself in the waiting.  He's got a lot of work to do in this messy little heart of mine!

Um, yeah, I really was born in Libya.  (Mom and Dad can explain that one.)  Was that the reason for the hold-up at the State Department?!?  I'm beginning to wonder...  :-)

I'll Believe It When I See It

Every day for the past week, I've tried to contact the State Department about the status of my birth certificate request.  I either get "line busy" or more often, the phone just rings and rings until I finally hang up.  It's been two weeks since my last unhelpful conversation with them. 

Yes, I was born in a very weird country, but does it really take more than eleven weeks to verify that I am, in fact, a U.S. citizen and to produce one document?  Apparently.

Last Thursday, I finally heard from my congressman's office, who I contacted on May 19 via their website form.  I got a letter in the mail, thanking me for contacting them, and another form asking for the very same information I had entered on their website.  Sigh.

I tried not to be pissy about giving them the information AGAIN and I dropped it by the congressman's local office last Friday, where a fresh-faced young man told me my request would get entered into the system asap.  My first sinful thought was, "Yeah, that would have been super helpful three weeks ago!" but I just smiled and said thank you, reminding myself that God is in control of all things, including my little request.

I realize that my issue is very low on the congressman's priority list, but I've never bothered an elected official for anything before now.  I had hoped for better responsiveness and for him to help speed up the process.  That's not likely to be the case now.

I called the State Department again this morning.  I obviously didn't think I was going to get through because I made the call with two little girls underfoot, so naturally, a real person answered. 

The guy, who remembered me from two weeks ago, told me that my birth certificate was mailed on Monday, so I should receive it by next Monday at the latest.  Woo hoo! 

I'm hopeful but can't totally shake my skepticism.  I'll believe it when I see it.  Still, I pray to God that the guy's information is accurate and that I have my birth certificate in my hot little hand soon!  We'll see.

Progress? Not Sure...

I actually got through to the U.S. State Department's Vital Records section this afternoon.  No one was more surprised than me! 

I got the mail this morning, and there was still no birth certificate.  Argh.  So when I put the girls down for their naps, I thought, "Why not?  I'll try that phone number again, but this time, I won't waste two hours."

On the first try, instead of the maddening "line busy" message, the phone kept ringing.  Good sign.  It took me a second to realize that a real person had answered, not an automated message, and I had to jump up and get the phone off of speaker.

I gave the guy my name and birthdate, he looked up my request, and then our conversation went like this:

"Um, it looks like your request is being processed." 
(Yeah, dude, not super helpful.)
"Okaaaaay.  Do you have any idea when I'll be receiving my birth certificate?"
"Probably soon." 
(Riiiiight.)
"How long does it normally take to get a birth certificate?"
"Four to eight weeks."
"Well, my request was submitted over nine weeks ago, and you cashed my check eight weeks ago, so I'm already over that time frame."
"Um, it's in the hands of a specialist."
"Can you tell what the hold up is?"
"No."
"Would someone actually contact me if there was a problem with my request?"
"Oh, yes."
"Is it possible to find out what's holding up my request?"
"Do you want to talk to the specialist?"
"Yes, I would."

Then he put me on hold.  Even in the moment, I didn't get my hopes up.  Frankly, it seemed too good to be true. 

And it was.

After awhile, he came back on the line to tell me that the specialist had "stepped away from his office" and asked if I wanted the specialist to call me when he returned. 

"Why, yes, I would."

I'm not holding my breath.  I didn't even have the heart to ask when I could expect the return call, although it crossed my mind.  I'll be shocked if I actually get that call.

While the phone call wasn't very helpful, at least I know my request has been received, and it's working its way through the bureaucracy that is our federal government.

More importantly though, I know that Almighty God is in control, not some bureaucrat.  It certainly helps me to have that perspective in this situation. 

And I can see that God is using this delay to do more of His work in me.  I happen to be reading in Job right now, and this quote from the Job chapter of 66 Love Letters really hit me this morning:

[God speaking] "To know Me well, you must first be confused by Me.  Only in the mystery of suffering will you stop trying to fit Me into your understanding of life.  Learn this as you read Job:  When you stand before Me in mystery, you will eventually rest within Me in trust.  When you can't figure Me out, you will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope."

I'm definitely confused and can't figure God out.  But I'm choosing to trust that He knows what He's doing with this whole thing!  No doubt, a good place to be.

Oh, The Irony

The subject of surrender has been on my mind a lot over the past year.  I was talking with my friend, Staci, recently about it, and God brought to mind something from years ago.

As I turned 30, I was wrestling with the idea of surrendering my life to God, truly asking Him to be the Lord of my life.  I had come to Christ a few years earlier, but I still hadn't surrendered everything. 

I knew that me being in control of my life hadn't made things turn out the way I had hoped.  In my heart, I wanted to surrender control to God, but the thought scared me to death.  Give up control of the decisions that affect my life??  Yikes.

I was convinced that anyone who really surrendered to God got sent to Africa as a missionary.  And the LAST thing I ever wanted to be was a missionary - in Africa of all places.  It sounded awful to me!  (No doubt because of my complete self-centeredness, it didn't even occur to me that some people really want to be missionaries in Africa...) 

Thankfully, in spite of my fears, God gave me the courage to surrender my life to Him, knowing that He is completely trustworthy and His character never changes.  In the end, I realized that I could trust Him with my future more than I could trust me with it.

Little did I know that God would soon lead me in a new career direction.  At 32, I joined the staff of Priority Associates, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, so I did become a missionary.  Willingly!  And as it turned out, my personality and experience were perfectly suited to this calling.  It was a great fit and the meaningful career for which I'd been searching.

And eight years later, as God would have it, here we are pursuing an adoption - in Africa of all places!  We long to meet the daughter that He has placed on our hearts.

At 30, I guess I wasn't so off-base in what I was thinking about missionaries and Africa...I just didn't have the details worked out correctly. 

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."  Proverbs 19:21

Isn't our God amazing??!?

My Part, God's Part

Does adoption make an otherwise sane woman lose her mind???  I'm beginning to wonder.

Already I can tell that this is going to be a very refining process for me.  Intellectually, I knew walking into the adoption that I needed to trust God with the process and the timing, realizing that most of it is out of my control. 

I thought I was okay with that.  And I am on most days.  But this whole birth certificate thing is really bugging me.  (Yes, a snag in step one is bugging me.  Not a great sign, huh?)

I was thinking about the missing birth certificate again as I was showering yesterday morning.  And then a thought popped in my head that tempted me to go down a wrong path. 

I thought, "Have I done something, God, that's made you mad at me?  Is that why You're punishing me by withholding my birth certificate?  Don't you know that we can't move ahead with the adoption without it?"

My next thought was, "UH OH.  What's going on here?"

I know better than that.  What bothers me, I guess, is that blaming God is not my normal reaction to things not going my way.

I KNOW that the One True Living God isn't a vindictive, mean-spirited, punishing God.  He is my loving Father who cares for me and delights in me.  He's proven that over and over and over again to me.  He loves me with an everlasting love.  He knows ALL things.  He also knows what's best for me, what's around the corner, and the exact child He has planned for our family.  And He knows what He's doing in me through this adoption.

I think it's interesting that in a weak moment, I was tempted to blame God and demand that things happen my way, on my timetable.  That's not the woman He wants me to be, yet He saw that tendency in my heart.  All He did was show it to me yesterday.  Not a pretty sight.

Do I want my birth certificate to get here?  Absolutely.  But more than that, I truly want to do this God's way, not mine.

I can do my part.  God gets to do His part in His way.

Not coincidentally, after praying about all of this, I realized that I could call the State Department to see if I could get someone on the phone to find out the status of my request.  That's not being demanding or trying to do God's part.

Long story short - it took me awhile, but I finally got a direct phone number for the Vital Records section.  So I called them yesterday afternoon. 

At first, it seemed like I was really going to get some answers.  Yea!!  But in reality, I just got funneled into their automated phone system from hell.   The option to "check the status of a pending request" kept saying "Line busy" and putting me back into the very long main menu.  I resorted to trying every option on the menu (repeatedly), but after every three options selected, I was told, "Goodbye" and hung up on.  Really.

I kept calling back - for two whole hours - but I never could reach a live person. I tried every combination I could think of to reach an operator, but nothing worked.  It was so ridiculous that, by the end of the two hours, I was laughing out loud.  It was a total waste of my children's naptime.  That's the worst part of it for me.  Precious, alone time WASTED!!!

Last night, I sent an email to my Congressman, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he can get some answers for me.  We'll see.  I've done my part.  Now I just wait and trust that God is doing His part.  And I know He will.

It's funny.  I seem to be writing about this a lot, but I rarely talk about it.  My days are full, and life goes on.  But it's good to be able to get it off my chest.  :-)

Now it's time to pack for a fun weekend trip with my honey!  No kids!!  Spa appointments!  Woo hoo!  Thanks, Mom and Dad!!

One Down, A Million More Steps to Go

Okay, maybe not a million, but some days it feels that way.  Today is one of those days.

On Friday, we completed our home study with the social worker.  She's been very easy to talk to and has really engaged in our life stories.  Thankfully, I didn't feel the need to make our home spotless because, frankly, that's not how we live.  She may as well see us in our reality...

However, I did find myself wondering earlier in the week how to make our social worker like us and not think we are religious freaks so we'll get a good report.  Another predictable power grab by my flesh to control my circumstances! 

And then I remembered that she's not in control of this adoption, God is.  Duh, Cici.

It's not about making anyone like us; it's about trusting that God has called us to adopt and that He will work it out according to His timing and His plans, not mine. I'm glad that we laid out all of our beliefs and reasons to adopt because it honored God.

Since I don't usually live by my emotions, I've been surprised how emotionally draining the adoption process has been for me.  It doesn't help that my birth certificate still hasn't arrived.  Seven weeks and counting.  And it's now become a showstopper.  We can't get our home study final report without it or submit our I-600a. 

But in the midst of it all, I find myself drawing close to my Lord.  When I invite Him into my inner turmoil, He provides perspective and His peace that passes all understanding.

I came across a quote recently that really hit me.  "It's not what you believe that counts; it's what you believe enough to do."  

I don't have any doubts about adopting. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is God's calling for us.  This wasn't something that we dreamed up on our own.  I believe it enough to continue to look for that birth certificate in the mail and to make progress on the other dossier requirements. 

One home study down and a million more steps to go to our little girl on another continent.  How we long for her to join our family!

Where, O Where Can It Be?

My birth certificate has still not arrived. 

It's now almost six weeks since I sent off the request to the U.S. State Department for my "consular report of birth."  Thanks, Mom and Dad, for deciding to have me in a foreign country.  :-)

How hard can it be to get a copy of a birth certificate??  Harry's passport renewal only took three weeks.  And the State Department cashed my check for my birth certificate four weeks ago. 

I'm just sayin'...

Getting the mail each day has become a "maybe it'll be here today" rollercoaster.  It's definitely on my mind everyday, regardless of what's going on, because our birth certificates are the starting point for most adoption related requirements.

I confess that I do feel a little frustrated by the things out my control, but I know it comes with adoption - and pregnancy - and life in general.  That, of course, doesn't make me feel any better right now.

The adoption process has been an exercise in patience even in these early stages.  Apparently, patience is God's lesson for me in this season of life.  Things rarely happen in my timing or according to my schedule.  So I'm learning to go with the flow more (not my strong suit) and to trust once again that God's timing is perfect.  Not too slow or too quick, but PERFECT.  I have been tempted on a number of occasions to demand things my way, but instead, I shut my mouth and pray like crazy. 

It was especially hard this week when my friend Kayan sent me a link to another blog.  It's circulating among families who are waiting to adopt from Rwanda.  An American woman living in Rwanda wrote about her experience at Home of Hope Orphanage.  That's the place where our daughter will be living before she joins our family. Reading her blog broke my heart, and I bawled for hours.  It wiped me out emotionally for the rest of the day.

Here are the two posts about the orphanage:  Life Of A Thousand Hills - Annuncia and Annuncia Part II.  As Kayan warned me: be careful.  You'll cry.

I read things like this and wonder about children who need to be loved and why everything has to take so long. 

And then I remember:  God is in control of ALL things, including children who need to be loved, my birth certificate and this adoption waiting period.  2 Corinthians 12 keeps coming to mind:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

God's Word says when I am weak, then I am strong. 

I feel weak and helpless about a lot of the details with the adoption, yet God assures me I'm strong because of Christ in me.  His grace IS sufficient for me.  I'm choosing to rest in that truth today.

And yet, I still think, "Maybe today, Lord??"  The mail hasn't arrived yet...

Dazed and Confused

I feel somewhat dazed and confused these days.  I'm not sure how else to explain it.  There's so much going on internally that I'm not totally myself.  As I've tried to examine what's going on, I realize it's not one thing; it's a lot of things.

In preparation for seeing Immaculee Ilibagiza at the Paramount tomorrow night, I read her book, Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust.  I loved it, and I hated it, and I couldn't put it down.  I learned so much, but it left my emotions raw.  The evil was mind-numbingly awful.  I was snapping at my husband and kids because I couldn't control all of the emotions that were spilling out as I was reading it. 

Then I immediately picked up Rosamond Carr's Land of a Thousand Hills: My Life in Rwanda which was incredibly rich and helpful in understanding more about Rwanda.  I finished it up last night, but it wasn't a feel-good ending.  I think I'm still sad about that.  Honestly, I wanted a happy ending.  I wanted to feel better.

Now that I'm immersed in all-things-Rwandan due to the adoption, I can't help but think back to 1994.  WHAT WAS I DOING THAT THE GENOCIDE DIDN"T HIT MY RADAR??  Okay, I know that I was very self-centered and focused on my career back then, but REALLY??? 

I pay attention to the news and always have.  I remember seeing pictures of rivers full of dead bodies in Rwanda and being repulsed by it, but that's it.  I did nothing, and I said nothing about it.  I guess I just figured it wasn't my problem.  Again, REALLY, CICI???

I've been in 2 Kings lately, and the reading has been very disturbing.  It's totally affecting my emotions.  It's hard to read about the evil kings of Israel and Judah and all of the horrible sin, violence, and destruction in detail. 

And I know it's no coincidence that I was reading about Rwanda at the same time.  God is seriously making me deal with the evil in the world and the evil in myself.  I have appreciated the perspective on 2 Kings from 66 Love Letters:

[God speaking] "My people must be crushed into hopelessness and helplessness by realizing that they are being swallowed up by evil.  Any thought that without Me they can escape from the pit into which they have fallen will keep them depending on themselves, not Me.  Very few in any age, even among My followers, have faced the presence of evil within them...I wrote 2 Kings to help you understand the lethal nature of the evil that is in My people and for you to tremble before its power to ruin your life.

As you read this love letter hear this: My plan is moving ahead in the worst of times.  Don't make it your goal to change bad times to good.  Pray for that, of course, and do all you can to improve the world in which you live.  But above all else, seek to know Me better and to represent Me well in every circumstance, no matter how you feel." (emphasis mine)

I don't have a nice little bow to tie on this, or three neat little conclusions to draw from what's going on with me.  All I know right now is that God is moving in my heart in new ways.  I am confident that this adoption is His grace in our lives, and I can't even begin to imagine what He's going to do through it.  But I know that I don't want to miss out on what He has for me.

I'm choosing to focus on Him alone, even as I wait for my birth certificate (almost five weeks now) and wonder when we'll actually get our dossier to Rwanda.  Thankfully, although I feel helpless, I don't feel hopeless.

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."  Psalm 25:5

Counting the Cost

I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears.  It's been that way for months.

I'm not a crier - never have been - so this is really bizarre to me.  I know that it's good and right for me to be more in touch with my emotions and to express them.  For too long, I built walls around my heart to avoid pain, and I NEVER cried, especially not in front of people.  Now I can't help myself.

I feel like God is dismantling and rearranging so much in my heart, in my head, and in my life. 

Some days it just wears me out.  Today is one of those days.  And it's days like these that I get impatient with my kids because I just want to be alone and to think. 

We've had lots of relational hits this past year - some intentional, some not. 

The intentional betrayals and conflict have hurt a lot, and it's taken months to process what's happened.  Both Harry and I have drawn closer to God in the midst of them and are better understanding our own sin and gaining a better perspective of God's holiness.  In some of the situations, God has given us the green light to move on.  The more difficult situations are the ones with family, where we don't have the luxury of moving on, but we don't know how to move forward either.

I'm realizing that the unintentional hits are also taking a toll.  Some of these involve unmet expectations that I need to get over.  Others are situations in which I've taken on too much responsibility, even just emotionally, for other people's problems or inertia. 

Another that I've recently acknowledged are the situations where our values and personal choices are creating distance in once-close relationships.  While it's exciting to be following God on the adventures He has for us, people don't always understand or agree.  That's fine, and to be expected occasionally, but it's still hard to lose intimacy in relationships, whether for a season or for good.  No one really wants to be thought of as "weird" by their friends or family.  (Okay, I don't.)

Harry and I were talking about all of these situations last night, and I recounted, month by month, all that has happened over the past year.  It's no wonder we feel weary.

Even though it's been painful, I know it's part of the cost of following Jesus. 

[Jesus speaking] "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple."  Luke 14:29 (Msg)

He's doing something in me, testing me to see if I will turn back.  Will I value successful relationships more than pleasing God?  Do I want what I want more than what He wants for me?  Will I decide that His way is just too difficult or that He's expecting too much of me?  Will the weariness lead me to apathy?

I hope not.

This quote from 66 Love Letters reminds me of what's important to God: 

[God speaking] "I'm aware that things go wrong in your life, that family and friends don't always treat you well, that nothing goes exactly as you want it to.  I grieve with you over the pain that life causes you.  But our priorities differ.  You ask what will work to make your life better, to correct the injustice you suffer, to see to it that more things go as they should in your life.  I want you to ask what holiness would look like in your situation, whatever it is; holiness that might not right the wrongs you suffer but that would let us enjoy each other."

A New Journey - Part 2

You can read the first part of the story here.

In early December, we were searching for a new church home and decided to check out Austin Bible because one of our dear friends goes there.  I went to the church website for directions and was shocked to see something about orphan care in Rwanda, of all places.  Austin Bible is not a large church, so it really did surprise me that they would be involved in Rwanda.  And soon after that, I discovered that a group from Austin Bible was going on a vision trip to Rwanda in mid-January to see how the church could partner to proclaim the gospel in that country.  (Hmmm...what are you up to, God??)

Meredith turned six-months-old on January 20, so I was hoping to start moving on the adoption process in late January.  In mid-January, we heard about an adoption conference in Austin in late February, so Harry and I decided to hold off on anything until after the conference. 

In mid-February, I began an evening study with a large group of women at Austin Bible.  At our first meeting, I was assigned to a small group led by Laura, a woman I had met when I joined the staff of Campus Crusade.  She had been one of the two people to interview me, so I'd been acquainted with her for years but didn't really know her.  There were six of us in our group, and we went around and introduced ourselves.  Laura went last, giving the obligatory details about her family, and then added at the end that she and her husband were in the process of adopting a baby girl from Rwanda. 

In my head, I was like, "WHAT?!?  WHAT did she just say??"  I was reeling.

At the end of our small group time, I spoke with Laura privately and told her that Harry and I also felt called to adopt from Rwanda.  We talked for awhile and I told her that we'd set our sights on Ethiopia instead because we didn't meet Rwanda's requirements.  We hadn't been married five years yet. 

I'll never forget what she said to me - seemingly insignificant but it shifted something in me.  She told me that there were a number of other families in the church going through the adoption process independently in Rwanda and none of them met all of the country requirements either.  I was so startled, but I immediately felt hopeful again.  Maybe we hadn't mis-heard God about Rwanda after all?

She definitely got Harry and me thinking and praying about Rwanda again.

In early March, Laura set up a dinner with six families adopting or thinking about adopting from Rwanda along with Natalie, a missionary with Africa New Life Ministry in Rwanda.  It was so encouraging to hear about each of these families' adoption journeys and about Natalie's work with ANLM and to be able to pray together.

Walking away from that dinner, Harry and I realized that we had switched to Ethiopia because it seemed like the safer and more obvious adoption path, but we both still felt called to Rwanda.  As we prayed, we felt confident that this independent adoption journey in Rwanda was the one for us.  And now we have this completely unexpected community of families around us in Austin who are on the same Rwandan journey.

What are the odds of that??  Seemingly random, but we know this is from the Lord.  We don't have a guaranteed outcome - there is risk involved in pursuing an independent adoption - but we know that this is the journey He has us on.

So here we are, in the middle of an awesome adventure with God.  Certainly not one that I ever would have expected.  Yet Harry and I are SO EXCITED about the prospect of adding another sweet little girl to our family, and we're praying for her already. 

This week, our application was accepted by Mugisha Ministries who will help guide us through the independent adoption process.  We're officially beginning the paper chase.  It's still amazing to me all that has to be gathered, signed, notarized, certified and/or authenticated. 

On Monday, I sent off my notarized request to the U.S. State Department for a copy of my birth certificate since I was born overseas.  (I can't find it anywhere in my house, and the last time I remember seeing it was about ten years ago.)  I hope that doesn't take forever.  Harry was able to walk into a government office here in Austin and get a copy of his birth certificate.  The benefit of being born in the States, I guess.  We both got fingerprinted this week, and I scheduled our first appointment with the social worker who may do our home study.

I'm hoping we can have our dossier ready to go by the end of June.  Who knows.  It'll be interesting to see how long it really takes.  I'm committed to trusting God step-by-step throughout this process, regardless of unanticipated delays or missing documents or unexpected changes in the process or whatever.  God is the One who has led us on this journey, and I am trusting that He will complete it as He sees fit.

My best guess at this point is that the adoption will take anywhere from 12 to 18 months, assuming we get approved by the Rwandan government, but I really don't know.  We have no idea when our sweet baby girl will arrive in Austin or exactly how old she'll be, but we have no doubt that she is a precious gift from our good God.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing"  Psalm 68:5,6

A New Journey - Part 1

It all started when I had Claire.  As I looked at my precious baby for whom I would do anything, I was haunted by the thought that there were children out there without parents , no one to care when they cried.  Any commercial I saw, or mailer that we received, about needy children would send me into a fit of tears.  I thought I was hormonal and that those feelings would go away eventually.  Not quite.

I never had the desire to adopt.  I remember going to Russia with Clif and Amy in early 2002 when they adopted Johanna.  It killed me to see the kids in such a difficult situation, but I didn't feel the pull to bring a child home for me.  What I left Russia with was the strong sense that my friends had rescued this little girl from a hopeless future.

Over the past couple of years, I have been hearing more about God's heart for orphans.  This has become a strong movement in the Church and has been getting a lot of airtime at conferences and in books.  And in reading Scripture, I couldn't deny how clear God makes it in how He feels about the fatherless. 

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress" James 1:27

"He defends the cause of the fatherless" Deuteronomy 10:18

"I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him." Job 29:12

"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless." Psalm 10:14

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." Isaiah 1:17

The more I heard about the statistics, the more my heart was affected.  147 million orphans in the world!  It's hard to even wrap my brain around that staggering number. 

Soon after Meredith was born, I knew without a doubt that my heart wasn't going to change, and I couldn't sit on the sidelines any more.  Now was the time for us to obey God. 

So I broached the subject of adoption with Harry, thinking I was going to have to talk him into it.  Not the case at all.  My incredible husband knows we're called to adopt.  And he's excited about it too.  That was the first of many prayers that God answered.

As I started researching our options - domestic, foster care, and international, I became convinced that our destination was Africa, where the need is so great.  And as I looked at the options within Africa, my heart was drawn repeatedly to Rwanda.  I knew their history, the horrors of the genocide in the 1990s.  The thought that we could be a part of bringing good out of such a tragedy was intriguing and inspiring.  The final straw for me was seeing pictures of Rwandan children.  Beautiful kids from a beautiful country. 

Last October, Harry and I had settled on Rwanda.  We also knew that we needed to wait until Meredith was six months old to begin the adoption process so we had at least another three months to pray, research, and decide.

As I did more research last fall and winter, it appeared that Rwanda wasn't a realistic possibility for us due to country requirements we didn't meet.  In particular, the requirement for the prospective parents to be married at least five years.  We have been married for four years.  And because the adoption process can take a long time, I didn't want to wait another year to begin.  So by December, we had shifted our focus to Ethiopia, but our hearts were still on Rwanda.

It has become very clear that as we've been making OUR plans, God had His plans.  I'm in awe of how the Lord brings people and circumstances together in ways I never, ever could have predicted.  All for His glory.

To be continued...