Perhaps it's just preparation for waiting in the coming months, but the process so far has been frustrating and humbling. I thought things would move quickly once I received my birth certificate, but I was wrong. It took an extra month to receive our final home study report. Sigh.
But we have the report now, and it's on its way to USCIS. So now we head into the next approval cycle. I'm hoping our approval will be here in 4-6 weeks, but I should know better than to speculate. To date, nothing has gone according to my plan...
It's been a tough month emotionally. Part of it has to do with the apparent disconnect between what I say I believe and how that belief is working itself out in my life.
I know that God is in control. I truly believe that His ways are best. I know I'll never have satisfactory answers as to why things are taking so long. And intellectually, I'm okay with that. I don't have a right to know, and I will never be able to see the full picture as God does.
But on an emotional level, I'm struggling. In a number of different areas of my life, I have a strong desire to control my circumstances. Between dysfunctional extended family-relationships, a mentally-exhausting two-year-old, the tiresome waiting on others to complete seemingly basic adoption tasks, and my own selfish desires, I have lost my focus on God's way and become wrapped up in my circumstances. It hasn't been pretty.
I'm grateful for the Word of God and how He speaks to me through it. In the midst of my struggle, Psalm 131 (Msg) recently reminded me where my hope lies:
God, I'm not trying to rule the roost,I continue to trust God to cultivate a quiet heart in me. I want my soul to be content, regardless of circumstances. I will wait with hope, knowing that God is doing His work in me. Hope now. Hope always.
I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.
I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.
Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!
