Oh, The Irony

The subject of surrender has been on my mind a lot over the past year.  I was talking with my friend, Staci, recently about it, and God brought to mind something from years ago.

As I turned 30, I was wrestling with the idea of surrendering my life to God, truly asking Him to be the Lord of my life.  I had come to Christ a few years earlier, but I still hadn't surrendered everything. 

I knew that me being in control of my life hadn't made things turn out the way I had hoped.  In my heart, I wanted to surrender control to God, but the thought scared me to death.  Give up control of the decisions that affect my life??  Yikes.

I was convinced that anyone who really surrendered to God got sent to Africa as a missionary.  And the LAST thing I ever wanted to be was a missionary - in Africa of all places.  It sounded awful to me!  (No doubt because of my complete self-centeredness, it didn't even occur to me that some people really want to be missionaries in Africa...) 

Thankfully, in spite of my fears, God gave me the courage to surrender my life to Him, knowing that He is completely trustworthy and His character never changes.  In the end, I realized that I could trust Him with my future more than I could trust me with it.

Little did I know that God would soon lead me in a new career direction.  At 32, I joined the staff of Priority Associates, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, so I did become a missionary.  Willingly!  And as it turned out, my personality and experience were perfectly suited to this calling.  It was a great fit and the meaningful career for which I'd been searching.

And eight years later, as God would have it, here we are pursuing an adoption - in Africa of all places!  We long to meet the daughter that He has placed on our hearts.

At 30, I guess I wasn't so off-base in what I was thinking about missionaries and Africa...I just didn't have the details worked out correctly. 

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."  Proverbs 19:21

Isn't our God amazing??!?

My Part, God's Part

Does adoption make an otherwise sane woman lose her mind???  I'm beginning to wonder.

Already I can tell that this is going to be a very refining process for me.  Intellectually, I knew walking into the adoption that I needed to trust God with the process and the timing, realizing that most of it is out of my control. 

I thought I was okay with that.  And I am on most days.  But this whole birth certificate thing is really bugging me.  (Yes, a snag in step one is bugging me.  Not a great sign, huh?)

I was thinking about the missing birth certificate again as I was showering yesterday morning.  And then a thought popped in my head that tempted me to go down a wrong path. 

I thought, "Have I done something, God, that's made you mad at me?  Is that why You're punishing me by withholding my birth certificate?  Don't you know that we can't move ahead with the adoption without it?"

My next thought was, "UH OH.  What's going on here?"

I know better than that.  What bothers me, I guess, is that blaming God is not my normal reaction to things not going my way.

I KNOW that the One True Living God isn't a vindictive, mean-spirited, punishing God.  He is my loving Father who cares for me and delights in me.  He's proven that over and over and over again to me.  He loves me with an everlasting love.  He knows ALL things.  He also knows what's best for me, what's around the corner, and the exact child He has planned for our family.  And He knows what He's doing in me through this adoption.

I think it's interesting that in a weak moment, I was tempted to blame God and demand that things happen my way, on my timetable.  That's not the woman He wants me to be, yet He saw that tendency in my heart.  All He did was show it to me yesterday.  Not a pretty sight.

Do I want my birth certificate to get here?  Absolutely.  But more than that, I truly want to do this God's way, not mine.

I can do my part.  God gets to do His part in His way.

Not coincidentally, after praying about all of this, I realized that I could call the State Department to see if I could get someone on the phone to find out the status of my request.  That's not being demanding or trying to do God's part.

Long story short - it took me awhile, but I finally got a direct phone number for the Vital Records section.  So I called them yesterday afternoon. 

At first, it seemed like I was really going to get some answers.  Yea!!  But in reality, I just got funneled into their automated phone system from hell.   The option to "check the status of a pending request" kept saying "Line busy" and putting me back into the very long main menu.  I resorted to trying every option on the menu (repeatedly), but after every three options selected, I was told, "Goodbye" and hung up on.  Really.

I kept calling back - for two whole hours - but I never could reach a live person. I tried every combination I could think of to reach an operator, but nothing worked.  It was so ridiculous that, by the end of the two hours, I was laughing out loud.  It was a total waste of my children's naptime.  That's the worst part of it for me.  Precious, alone time WASTED!!!

Last night, I sent an email to my Congressman, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he can get some answers for me.  We'll see.  I've done my part.  Now I just wait and trust that God is doing His part.  And I know He will.

It's funny.  I seem to be writing about this a lot, but I rarely talk about it.  My days are full, and life goes on.  But it's good to be able to get it off my chest.  :-)

Now it's time to pack for a fun weekend trip with my honey!  No kids!!  Spa appointments!  Woo hoo!  Thanks, Mom and Dad!!

One Down, A Million More Steps to Go

Okay, maybe not a million, but some days it feels that way.  Today is one of those days.

On Friday, we completed our home study with the social worker.  She's been very easy to talk to and has really engaged in our life stories.  Thankfully, I didn't feel the need to make our home spotless because, frankly, that's not how we live.  She may as well see us in our reality...

However, I did find myself wondering earlier in the week how to make our social worker like us and not think we are religious freaks so we'll get a good report.  Another predictable power grab by my flesh to control my circumstances! 

And then I remembered that she's not in control of this adoption, God is.  Duh, Cici.

It's not about making anyone like us; it's about trusting that God has called us to adopt and that He will work it out according to His timing and His plans, not mine. I'm glad that we laid out all of our beliefs and reasons to adopt because it honored God.

Since I don't usually live by my emotions, I've been surprised how emotionally draining the adoption process has been for me.  It doesn't help that my birth certificate still hasn't arrived.  Seven weeks and counting.  And it's now become a showstopper.  We can't get our home study final report without it or submit our I-600a. 

But in the midst of it all, I find myself drawing close to my Lord.  When I invite Him into my inner turmoil, He provides perspective and His peace that passes all understanding.

I came across a quote recently that really hit me.  "It's not what you believe that counts; it's what you believe enough to do."  

I don't have any doubts about adopting. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is God's calling for us.  This wasn't something that we dreamed up on our own.  I believe it enough to continue to look for that birth certificate in the mail and to make progress on the other dossier requirements. 

One home study down and a million more steps to go to our little girl on another continent.  How we long for her to join our family!

Where, O Where Can It Be?

My birth certificate has still not arrived. 

It's now almost six weeks since I sent off the request to the U.S. State Department for my "consular report of birth."  Thanks, Mom and Dad, for deciding to have me in a foreign country.  :-)

How hard can it be to get a copy of a birth certificate??  Harry's passport renewal only took three weeks.  And the State Department cashed my check for my birth certificate four weeks ago. 

I'm just sayin'...

Getting the mail each day has become a "maybe it'll be here today" rollercoaster.  It's definitely on my mind everyday, regardless of what's going on, because our birth certificates are the starting point for most adoption related requirements.

I confess that I do feel a little frustrated by the things out my control, but I know it comes with adoption - and pregnancy - and life in general.  That, of course, doesn't make me feel any better right now.

The adoption process has been an exercise in patience even in these early stages.  Apparently, patience is God's lesson for me in this season of life.  Things rarely happen in my timing or according to my schedule.  So I'm learning to go with the flow more (not my strong suit) and to trust once again that God's timing is perfect.  Not too slow or too quick, but PERFECT.  I have been tempted on a number of occasions to demand things my way, but instead, I shut my mouth and pray like crazy. 

It was especially hard this week when my friend Kayan sent me a link to another blog.  It's circulating among families who are waiting to adopt from Rwanda.  An American woman living in Rwanda wrote about her experience at Home of Hope Orphanage.  That's the place where our daughter will be living before she joins our family. Reading her blog broke my heart, and I bawled for hours.  It wiped me out emotionally for the rest of the day.

Here are the two posts about the orphanage:  Life Of A Thousand Hills - Annuncia and Annuncia Part II.  As Kayan warned me: be careful.  You'll cry.

I read things like this and wonder about children who need to be loved and why everything has to take so long. 

And then I remember:  God is in control of ALL things, including children who need to be loved, my birth certificate and this adoption waiting period.  2 Corinthians 12 keeps coming to mind:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

God's Word says when I am weak, then I am strong. 

I feel weak and helpless about a lot of the details with the adoption, yet God assures me I'm strong because of Christ in me.  His grace IS sufficient for me.  I'm choosing to rest in that truth today.

And yet, I still think, "Maybe today, Lord??"  The mail hasn't arrived yet...