Both Harry and I have been brought to tears recently by innocent questions from Claire.
Last month as we were helping her understand our family relationships - Poppy is my Daddy, YiaYia is my Mommy, Grandma T is Daddy's Mommy - Claire asked, "Who is Daddy's Daddy?" Harry and I just looked at each other, and I said something like, "His name is Grandpa, but he's not here. He died eight years ago."
Months ago, we had started the discussion about death when our neighbor's dog, Charlie, died unexpectedly. It's been a lot of "Where'd Charlie go?" and "When is he coming back?" Yes, it's pretty obvious that she doesn't really get it.
This week, as Harry was playing with the girls before bed, Claire turned to him and said, "Did your Daddy die?" Harry's not usually emotional about his Dad's death, but he said it caught him so off-guard that he started to tear up. He told her, "Yes, he died." Then Claire said, "Where is he now?" to which Harry said, "My Daddy's in heaven."
Claire's surprising response was, "I don't want to go to heaven." After some discussion with her, Harry figured out what she meant was that she didn't want to die. Harry told her that we all die at some point and assured her that she does want to go to heaven to be with Jesus. :-)
Last night, the girls were jumping on my bed before bedtime. Harry had turned on an Aaron Ivey CD, but I hadn't even noticed. Between jumps, Claire randomly said, "Mommy, is this Molly's song?" I was like, "Huh??"as my head started spinning. The music finally registered in my brain, and I remembered that, months ago, Claire had seen me crying as we listened to the song Amos Story on that CD. The tears welled up in my eyes immediately. Every time I hear that song, it reminds me of our sweet little girl in Rwanda.
Claire turns three next month, and she's beginning to put together ideas and memories that surprise us. I'm floored at what she remembers, and she totally caught me flat-footed last night. I think Molly's been on her mind too. Lately, she's been telling me that she's going to feed Molly and wants to hold her.
But truth be told, I've been emotional all week seeing the photos of Cooper Allen finally being united with his family, along with the stories of other families who have traveled recently. I love what God is doing in the lives of these adoptive families and their precious children. And I'm trusting God that it will be our turn soon enough, in His perfect timing.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Gracious Uncertainty
Next Saturday we hit our 8-month anniversary of being DTR, and the wait has been wearing on me lately. Even so, I'm encouraged about all of the approvals and referrals that are coming out of Rwanda, and it's been heartwarming to be with Aliyah Choy and Drew Schulz. Their sweet faces remind me of how much is at stake in this journey.
But our high number and the rumors of a wait list for younger children make everything seem more uncertain and much longer than I'd hoped. Being a planner, it's hard to have our lives in limbo like this. (I know, that's the reality of international adoption, and I willingly volunteered for this...)
Throughout the past year, I have clung to the knowledge that God is in every one of the details and that He has a grander purpose in this for us, but my emotions haven't always cooperated. On most days though, I'm able to remember that it's less about the outcome and more about what He's doing in my heart.
Harry read me something last night from My Utmost for His Highest that encouraged me at this stage of the process and reminded me of what's important:
But our high number and the rumors of a wait list for younger children make everything seem more uncertain and much longer than I'd hoped. Being a planner, it's hard to have our lives in limbo like this. (I know, that's the reality of international adoption, and I willingly volunteered for this...)
Throughout the past year, I have clung to the knowledge that God is in every one of the details and that He has a grander purpose in this for us, but my emotions haven't always cooperated. On most days though, I'm able to remember that it's less about the outcome and more about what He's doing in my heart.
Harry read me something last night from My Utmost for His Highest that encouraged me at this stage of the process and reminded me of what's important:
"Our natural inclination is to be so precise - trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next - that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty...
Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life - gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises....Jesus said "...unless you...become as little children" (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next."I'm so grateful for spiritual giants like Oswald Chambers who remind me of the Truth in this confusing process. It helps me to focus on the tasks at hand and to trust God's plan for us.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Waiting
Molly has been on my mind a lot these days, especially with the exciting news of new approvals from Rwanda and with the Choys and Schulzes traveling next week. It's all starting to seem more real to me. Without warning, songs can bring me to tears, thinking about our baby girl over there in Rwanda. We are so ready for her to be with us.
Whenever Claire sees me crying, regardless of the reason, she says, "Are you sad about Molly?" It's pretty sweet. If I ask Claire or Meredith what their sister's name is, both say, "Molly!" It doesn't occur to them to say each other's names. haha
Tonight as she was eating dinner, Claire asked a question that led to a conversation about Molly. She asked, "Do you want Molly to be here?" I told her, "I do. I'm ready for her to come home." She asked, "Where is she?" I said, "She's in Rwanda, and hopefully soon, Daddy and I will be able to go get her." Immediately, she starting getting down from her seat and said, "I'll go get her right now!"
I started laughing and told her that Rwanda is very far away and that we have to wait until people tell us we can go get her. She just looked at me, not understanding, and said, "Oh."
It's now been almost a year since we made the decision to move forward with the adoption, and almost six months since our dossier arrived in Rwanda. I'm hopeful that we'll hear something soon. We're ready!
Whenever Claire sees me crying, regardless of the reason, she says, "Are you sad about Molly?" It's pretty sweet. If I ask Claire or Meredith what their sister's name is, both say, "Molly!" It doesn't occur to them to say each other's names. haha
Tonight as she was eating dinner, Claire asked a question that led to a conversation about Molly. She asked, "Do you want Molly to be here?" I told her, "I do. I'm ready for her to come home." She asked, "Where is she?" I said, "She's in Rwanda, and hopefully soon, Daddy and I will be able to go get her." Immediately, she starting getting down from her seat and said, "I'll go get her right now!"
I started laughing and told her that Rwanda is very far away and that we have to wait until people tell us we can go get her. She just looked at me, not understanding, and said, "Oh."
It's now been almost a year since we made the decision to move forward with the adoption, and almost six months since our dossier arrived in Rwanda. I'm hopeful that we'll hear something soon. We're ready!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Meeting Steven and Valence
Not much news from Harry, other than a few short emails, but it sounds like he's having a great time. Early this morning, he sent me this photo of him with our two ANLM-sponsored boys in Kageyo.
Obviously, I know my husband's various smiles and facial expressions, and this particular one tells me that he's VERY happy. I love it!
Friday, November 19, 2010
On His Way
Harry left this morning on a vision trip to Rwanda with Africa New Life Ministries. The girls and I are going to miss him so much, especially on Thanksgiving, but I'm very excited about his adventure.
He arrives in Kigali tomorrow night. It's going to be a full week of seeing the various ministries of ANLM. One of the highlights will be meeting our two sponsored boys, Steven and Valence, and their families in Kageyo.
Sunday afternoon the group will visit the Home of Hope orphanage. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like for him. He really has no idea what he's walking into. Harry's also going to deliver our final documents to MIGEPROF (hopefully) to complete our dossier.
Here are some photos before we left for the airport:
He arrives in Kigali tomorrow night. It's going to be a full week of seeing the various ministries of ANLM. One of the highlights will be meeting our two sponsored boys, Steven and Valence, and their families in Kageyo.
Sunday afternoon the group will visit the Home of Hope orphanage. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like for him. He really has no idea what he's walking into. Harry's also going to deliver our final documents to MIGEPROF (hopefully) to complete our dossier.
Here are some photos before we left for the airport:
Our two-year-old doesn't like to cooperate these days
A family hug
Guess she's fine posing by herself
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I-171H - Check!
"It has been determined that you are able to furnish proper care to an orphan(s) as defined by Section 101(B)(1)(F) of the Immigration and Nationality Act."
Thank you very much, Department of Homeland Security and USCIS!
We received our I-171H in the mail today. Next week, I'll work on getting it and our updated medical forms authenticated and sent over to Kigali to complete our dossier that's already there. Or, now that I'm thinking about it, I may wait until Harry heads to Kigali next month, and he can deliver the forms to MIGEPROF in person.
This week we also found out our number - that is, where we are in line to adopt, or at least to receive approval to adopt from the Rwandan government. I had heard that there were almost 200 dossiers in line, so I was expecting a very high number. As in the 190s. But happily, we're 128. We'll take it!
Earlier this morning, Harry said he felt led to read Psalm 128 as he was thinking about and praying for our little girl. He walked out of the bedroom and said, "You've got to read this."
He "happened" to read the Psalm in the Message version:
How the Lord has blessed us already with His Presence, friends walking this journey with us, and great resources! We stand in awe of God's Yes.
Thank you very much, Department of Homeland Security and USCIS!
We received our I-171H in the mail today. Next week, I'll work on getting it and our updated medical forms authenticated and sent over to Kigali to complete our dossier that's already there. Or, now that I'm thinking about it, I may wait until Harry heads to Kigali next month, and he can deliver the forms to MIGEPROF in person.
This week we also found out our number - that is, where we are in line to adopt, or at least to receive approval to adopt from the Rwandan government. I had heard that there were almost 200 dossiers in line, so I was expecting a very high number. As in the 190s. But happily, we're 128. We'll take it!
Earlier this morning, Harry said he felt led to read Psalm 128 as he was thinking about and praying for our little girl. He walked out of the bedroom and said, "You've got to read this."
He "happened" to read the Psalm in the Message version:
All you who fear God, how blessed you are!Harry and I continue to marvel at how God is working in our hearts and in our family. While it's difficult to wait for our daughter, we are trusting God and committed to using this wait time wisely. The Together for Adoption conference we attended last weekend gave us a lot to think about in preparation for the arrival of our precious third daughter.
how happily you walk on his smooth straight road!
You worked hard and deserve all you've got coming,
Enjoy the blessing! Revel in the goodness!
Your wife will bear children as a vine bears grapes,
your household lush as a vineyard,
The children around your table
as fresh and promising as young olive shoots.
Stand in awe of God's Yes.
Oh, how he blesses the one who fears God!
Enjoy the good life in Jerusalem
everyday of your life.
And enjoy your grandchildren.
Peace to Israel!
How the Lord has blessed us already with His Presence, friends walking this journey with us, and great resources! We stand in awe of God's Yes.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Whirlwind
I think I've recovered emotionally and physically from the chaos we experienced last month with the unexpected announcement that Rwandan adoptions are closing down indefinitely. It feels a little indulgent to write about it in such detail (sorry - it's really long), but I don't want to forget what God has done. It's taken me a month to write about it, and as I continue to reflect on all that happened, my faith in the Lord grows stronger.
No, not because I got the outcome I wanted. Frankly, the outcome I want is our little girl in our arms and in our family, and we're still a long way from that. This fire drill was just to get in line for approval from the Rwandan government to adopt one of their orphans. We don't have any guarantees that we'll be approved, and we don't have any idea of when we'll hear something from them. I'm hoping we'll know something by this time next year, but earlier than that would be great.
But I did see how much God will do for orphans, and for our little girl in particular. I was reminded over and over again that God's plans will not be thwarted, that He is all-powerful, and that I can trust Him with every detail of my life. Nothing is too small or insignificant to escape His notice. Our God is worthy of all glory and honor and praise, regardless of what He chooses to do or not to do. And through this experience, He loudly confirmed His call on our lives.
My one goal on Wednesday, August 25th, was to upload photos from our trip to California the week before. (Still haven't done that!) I was planning for it to be a low-key day. I needed a low-key day. As it turned out, Wednesday was the start of one of the craziest weeks of my life.
Around 12:30 pm, I was running an errand with Meredith prior to my Mom bringing Claire back from an overnight stay. In the car, I looked at my email and saw one from Tina with the subject line of 'Brace Yourself.' Never a good sign so I was cringing as I opened the email. Here's part of what it said:
I literally felt like I was going to throw up. That's what I emailed to a good friend when I forwarded her the email. I couldn't reach Harry by phone, and my mind felt fuzzy. Later, I realized that it was almost the exact same reaction I had to my miscarriage three years ago. (I found out later that Harry had the same reaction as he did to the news of the miscarriage.) In both situations, I couldn't focus, and I didn't know what to do other than keep trying to reach Harry. Maybe he would tell me what to do. (Not my usual reaction...)
A few friends who'd heard the news called and asked what we were going to do, but I didn't have an answer. I had no idea, and I still hadn't talked to Harry. I was reeling because I couldn't believe that this was the end of the road on our Rwandan adoption. We were convinced that God had called us to this. And we already felt like she's ours, even though we don't know what her sweet face looks like!
Jennie called, and she was the one to dynamite me out of my fog. Very emphatically, she told me to get on a plane to D.C. and go get our documents approved, that it wasn't too late, that we couldn't give up. Her confidence got my mind working again. It seemed like a very long shot, but it certainly was worth trying.
Providentially, Harry and I had a 2:00 meeting scheduled that day at home with Mark, one of our pastors. In the few minutes that Harry and I had to talk prior to Mark arriving, we decided that we needed to try to make the deadline. I laid all of our documents out in front of us and realized that we had everything except updated medical forms and the I-171h (U.S. Government approval to adopt), which are documents that can be updated/added to the dossier after it's in Kigali. We just needed everything notarized, certified, and authenticated. (Yeah, "just"!! It seemed like a giant mountain at the time.) Thankfully, Mark had heard what was happening, so when he arrived, he prayed with us and offered to stay at the house with our sleeping children.
Harry and I raced down to his office to have his assistant notarize our documents. At his office, I realized I was missing one (the Power of Attorney document - kind of important!), so I created it there. In my haste, I'd also forgotten to grab our tax forms for proof of income, so I had to go back home before heading down to the Texas Secretary of State's office to get everything certified. (Thank God we live in the capital!)
Reagan and Dave showed up at the Secretary of State's office soon after I did as they were in the same boat as we were. She mentioned something about a 6:45 flight to D.C., but it really didn't register as an option. It seemed impossible to make. I figured I'd take a morning flight so I'd have time to think through everything and make sure I had what I needed.
I got home about 5:00 pm and started to feed the girls. Harry was looking for flights for me online and mentioned that I'd get to D.C. pretty late in the day on Thursday if I flew out in the morning. I wasn't paying much attention to what he said, and then about 5:20, I got a voice message from Reagan saying that she was on her way to the airport to try to make the 6:45 flight. That's when it really hit me that I needed to go.
I started freaking out internally, ran into my closet and started throwing stuff into a suitcase. Harry didn't realize what I was doing, so we were yelling at each other from opposite ends of the house while the girls were in the kitchen hollering for more food. Until the last moment, Harry didn't even know about the message from Reagan or why I was packing so frantically. It was complete chaos, and I felt incredibly stressed out. Not my best moment.
I literally ran out of the house at 5:35, with the girls screaming for me. It was awful. I didn't even have time to stop and tell them goodbye or explain where I was going. It was going to be a work of God to make the flight as it was. Amazingly, I hit almost every green light on the back way to the airport. Without traffic, it takes 20 minutes. In the full swing of rush hour, I got there in 25 minutes! Both Reagan and I made the flight, although I wasn't sure what was in my bag, who was going to watch my children while I was away, or what our plan was when we arrived in the middle of the night in D.C. I was riding a huge wave of adrenaline.
At this point, we were still under the impression that our dossiers would have to be in Kigali on Monday, August 30. I didn't know how that would happen (even FedEx wouldn't get it there by the deadline), but regardless, I knew it couldn't happen unless all of my documents were authenticated by the proper authorities in D.C. At the airport, I started crying when Reagan told me that Jessica, a young woman in our church, was willing to fly to Kigali on Saturday in order to hand-deliver our dossiers to the minister in charge of adoptions. Who does that for someone?!? I was blown away! With that news, I was confident that God was in this and that He would somehow make a way for us.
On our layover in Dallas, Reagan and I realized that we'd bought tickets to two different airports - me to Dulles and Reagan to Baltimore. (A few important details got lost in the frantic voice messages and texts.) Both flights arrived well after midnight. When we parted ways in the DFW airport, I called Harry and started bawling. The adrenaline was wearing off, and the whole thing seemed insane with Reagan but seemed frightening and overwhelming without her by my side.
How in the world would we meet up in D.C. and get to where we needed to be first thing in the morning?!? It seemed very scary to do it alone and on such little sleep. Harry reassured me that God was with me and that everything would be fine. Thankfully, the way God worked in this case was he gave Dave the good sense to tell Reagan to ask at the ticket counter if she could change to my flight. Her flight was overbooked so they let her do it. I was very relieved when she showed up at my gate!
On the plane to D.C., I was so wired that I didn't sleep a wink even though it was way past my bedtime. I remembered that in the past few months, I've been praying that I would feel desperate for God, that I would draw near to Him in ways I hadn't before. Boy, was I feeling desperate on that flight! I wrote down every prayer request I could think of - all of the things that needed to happen on Thursday and Friday in order to meet the deadline. Just as I was ready to try to sleep, the captain announced our descent into D.C. and the lights came up.
Once we arrived at our airport hotel about two in the morning, we created additional documents for our dossiers and found directions to the State Department and the Embassy. We also discovered that the State Department only does authentications from 7:30 to 11:30 am. If we had flown in Thursday morning, we would have missed it for that day! After two hours of semi-sleep, we got up at 5:00 am to take the shuttle back to the airport, get on a Metro bus for a 40 minute ride to the Metro station, and take the Metro to the State Department authentications office. We arrived shortly before 7:00 am which gave us time to pray together and get a bite to eat.
The State Department will authenticate up to 15 documents per person per day, which is not what we had heard from others. We expected to have to beg them to make an exception for us. As it turned out, I had 14 document bundles and Reagan had 16, so she handed me one of hers to put in my pile. No exceptions required. We sailed right through the process and were done by about 8:15 am. One of many, many answers to prayer.
We headed directly to the Embassy and prayed that God would give them sympathy to our plight, that someone would be willing to approve our documents by Friday.
The first man we spoke to told us that it takes a week for the Embassy to authenticate the adoption documents. We said, "We understand, but this is an unusual situation." He walked away and soon another man asked how he could help us. We asked him to authenticate our documents by Friday so they could go to Kigali on Saturday. He just looked at us incredulously and told us it wasn't possible. He said that it takes a week or more to authenticate documents, that they already had a big pile of dossiers to authenticate, and that they had just heard about the minister's announcement on Wednesday.
But this was the man that God had given us - Vianney. I prayed my brains out right there and said what was on my heart - inarticulate, weepy, desperate. I told him that we had heard the news the day before as well, and we'd gotten on a plane last night in Texas and flown overnight because this was our only chance. I remember Reagan motioning to the stacks of documents in our hands and saying, "Please! These are our babies!"
It was only by God's grace that he took pity on us. Vianney very nicely but reluctantly took our documents "since we came all the way from Texas" but would not guarantee that we would have them by Friday. At that point, I didn't care about a guarantee because the Embassy now officially had my documents in their possession on August 26th!
When Vianney walked away, we both sank into the couch and started crying. It felt like we'd gotten over a a huge hurdle - the uncertainty had been completely overwhelming in the moment - and I was so relieved and grateful to God that I felt like weeping.
Since we didn't have anywhere else to be in D.C., we ended up sitting on the Embassy couch for hours, communicating with people by text and email. We saw lots of couriers come and go and heard Vianney tell many people over the phone that they were not accepting anymore dossiers. At that point, we thought we were the last ones to get into the Embassy before the deadline.
One particular interaction with a courier that morning stands out in my mind. As he was leaving, he saw us sitting on the couch and asked if we were waiting for dossiers as well. Reagan said yes, that we were prospective adoptive families who had just dropped off our dossiers. He looked at us with a surprising mix of condescension and pity, raised his eyebrows, and said, "Yeah, well, good luck with that" and gave the distinct impression that he thought we were idiots. Reagan said, "Yeah, we're praying they'll get our dossiers done in time" and with that, he scurried out without another word. I think the reason that interaction was so memorable to me was because it was on the heels of us seeing all that God had done to pave our way. My internal reaction was, "You have NO CLUE just Who we have on our side!"
As it turned out, the situation was pretty fluid, with prospective adoptive families and their friends contacting everyone they could think of between Washington and Kigali - Senators, Congressmen, the U.S. Consulate in Kigali, and the Minister herself. By Friday, it began to look like the ministry would accept all dossiers if they were stamped by the Embassy in D.C. by Tuesday, August 31.
Reagan and I both got to talk to other families during the day on Friday and encouraged them to get to D.C. as soon as possible, to not give up. To us, every family that tried to make the deadline represented at least one more orphan who would have a forever family.
When we went back to the Embassy to check on the status of our documents on Friday afternoon, we found out that the person who signs the approval letter was called out of town early Friday morning, so no progress had been made on any files. Vianney told us to come back on Monday afternoon.
At this point, I desperately wanted to be home with my family. After three days of feeling so out of control, emotionally I felt like it would be best for me to go home for the weekend and return to D.C. on Monday. I didn't want to sit around for 72 hours waiting and wondering. Thankfully, we were able to find cheap flights home, leaving at noon on Saturday.
I ended up staying Friday night with family friends out in the Virginia suburbs, which was a great escape from the chaos. Reagan stayed in Arlington with a friend of hers. The next morning, Linda drove me to the Metro station to catch the train into Reagan National Airport. The usual 20-minute drive to the station turned out to be an hour and a half traffic nightmare. I've never seen so many cars not moving AT ALL, and I was praying like crazy and trying not to panic. I really, really, really wanted to go home to my family. When we finally arrived at 10:20, the line to get on the train was snaking around the parking lot, literally a thousand people waiting. Another "I think I'm going to throw up" moment for me, along with a few "God, why does everything have to be so difficult this week??" thoughts thrown in.
As it turns out, Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally was taking place in D.C. that afternoon, and I hadn't even considered the consequences for public transportation. I texted Reagan and said, "I'm not going to make the flight!" She called me and long story short, she and her friends jumped in their car, raced out to the suburbs to pick me up, and somehow got us to the airport at 11:25 for our 12:00 flight. My nerves were totally shot!
I was so glad to be at home with Harry and the girls and to be with my church family on that Sunday. It was just what my heart needed. I flew back to D.C. early on Monday morning to get our approved documents as well as Reagan and Dave's. The plan was for me to put both of our dossiers together and FedEx them to Kigali from D.C. and hopefully fly home on Tuesday.
The best part of going back to D.C. was getting the opportunity to meet other prospective families who had flown into D.C. over the weekend. Two of the families were ones that I'd first spoken to on Friday and had encouraged to come to D.C. It's amazing what instant connections are formed when you go through such an experience together!
Thankfully, the Embassy workers stayed late and completed my documents on Monday, but Reagan's documents weren't completed until Tuesday. I was able to put together our dossier and FedEx it on Monday night, but I ended up bringing Reagan's documents back to Austin with me on Tuesday.
Overall, this was such a rich experience of seeing God work, and it answered some questions for me. I've wondered if I could love another baby as much as the two I have. Through this experience, I don't have any doubt. In our hearts, this baby is already ours. That was our knee-jerk response to the announcement, and our immediate prayer was, "Lord, please make a way!" I'm eternally grateful for the Lord's confirmation of our unconditional love for this child.
Yes, we were willing to respectfully accept a 'no' if that's what the authorities along the way told us, but we knew we had to try to make the impossible deadline. The cost, inconvenience and uncertainty didn't sway either of us at all. It was obvious at the time that it was the right thing for us to do.
A friend sent Harry an email while I was in D.C. It put this whole episode in a new perspective for me:
I am so grateful for the Body of Christ. Brothers and sisters in Christ, many of whom I'll never meet, have sustained us with their prayers, not just for us but for the Embassy workers, who are a great group of people. And God answered all of our prayers. He made a way.
And so we continue to trust Him with the rest of our journey. What an amazing adventure this has been so far, one that I never could have scripted!
No, not because I got the outcome I wanted. Frankly, the outcome I want is our little girl in our arms and in our family, and we're still a long way from that. This fire drill was just to get in line for approval from the Rwandan government to adopt one of their orphans. We don't have any guarantees that we'll be approved, and we don't have any idea of when we'll hear something from them. I'm hoping we'll know something by this time next year, but earlier than that would be great.
But I did see how much God will do for orphans, and for our little girl in particular. I was reminded over and over again that God's plans will not be thwarted, that He is all-powerful, and that I can trust Him with every detail of my life. Nothing is too small or insignificant to escape His notice. Our God is worthy of all glory and honor and praise, regardless of what He chooses to do or not to do. And through this experience, He loudly confirmed His call on our lives.
My one goal on Wednesday, August 25th, was to upload photos from our trip to California the week before. (Still haven't done that!) I was planning for it to be a low-key day. I needed a low-key day. As it turned out, Wednesday was the start of one of the craziest weeks of my life.
Around 12:30 pm, I was running an errand with Meredith prior to my Mom bringing Claire back from an overnight stay. In the car, I looked at my email and saw one from Tina with the subject line of 'Brace Yourself.' Never a good sign so I was cringing as I opened the email. Here's part of what it said:
I don’t know where to begin. There is no easy way to say what I have to say. I got an email and it is not good news. In fact it is devastating. Through tears I will type these words.....I just learned that on August 30 Rwanda will not be accepting any more dossiers until further notice, which will be posted on their website. It seems that they want to become a Hague compliant country and feel like they need to focus their attention on establishing the new procedures for international adoption and they cannot do this AND deal with the mass volume of dossiers that keep flooding in.
It seems that the dossiers that are already there will be accepted and worked on as soon as possible...but to expect further delays. For now it seems that the dossiers that are there will be processed as they have been processed in the past using the same guidelines...
I tried calling my contacts as soon as I got this email but I can’t get in touch with anyone via phone right now....but I felt I needed to get this out to you all ASAP...even though I have limited details. I am so very sorry. No one had any idea this was coming. I believe even the agencies are unaware of this and you are the first to get this horrible news.
A few friends who'd heard the news called and asked what we were going to do, but I didn't have an answer. I had no idea, and I still hadn't talked to Harry. I was reeling because I couldn't believe that this was the end of the road on our Rwandan adoption. We were convinced that God had called us to this. And we already felt like she's ours, even though we don't know what her sweet face looks like!
Jennie called, and she was the one to dynamite me out of my fog. Very emphatically, she told me to get on a plane to D.C. and go get our documents approved, that it wasn't too late, that we couldn't give up. Her confidence got my mind working again. It seemed like a very long shot, but it certainly was worth trying.
Providentially, Harry and I had a 2:00 meeting scheduled that day at home with Mark, one of our pastors. In the few minutes that Harry and I had to talk prior to Mark arriving, we decided that we needed to try to make the deadline. I laid all of our documents out in front of us and realized that we had everything except updated medical forms and the I-171h (U.S. Government approval to adopt), which are documents that can be updated/added to the dossier after it's in Kigali. We just needed everything notarized, certified, and authenticated. (Yeah, "just"!! It seemed like a giant mountain at the time.) Thankfully, Mark had heard what was happening, so when he arrived, he prayed with us and offered to stay at the house with our sleeping children.
Harry and I raced down to his office to have his assistant notarize our documents. At his office, I realized I was missing one (the Power of Attorney document - kind of important!), so I created it there. In my haste, I'd also forgotten to grab our tax forms for proof of income, so I had to go back home before heading down to the Texas Secretary of State's office to get everything certified. (Thank God we live in the capital!)
Reagan and Dave showed up at the Secretary of State's office soon after I did as they were in the same boat as we were. She mentioned something about a 6:45 flight to D.C., but it really didn't register as an option. It seemed impossible to make. I figured I'd take a morning flight so I'd have time to think through everything and make sure I had what I needed.
I got home about 5:00 pm and started to feed the girls. Harry was looking for flights for me online and mentioned that I'd get to D.C. pretty late in the day on Thursday if I flew out in the morning. I wasn't paying much attention to what he said, and then about 5:20, I got a voice message from Reagan saying that she was on her way to the airport to try to make the 6:45 flight. That's when it really hit me that I needed to go.
I started freaking out internally, ran into my closet and started throwing stuff into a suitcase. Harry didn't realize what I was doing, so we were yelling at each other from opposite ends of the house while the girls were in the kitchen hollering for more food. Until the last moment, Harry didn't even know about the message from Reagan or why I was packing so frantically. It was complete chaos, and I felt incredibly stressed out. Not my best moment.
I literally ran out of the house at 5:35, with the girls screaming for me. It was awful. I didn't even have time to stop and tell them goodbye or explain where I was going. It was going to be a work of God to make the flight as it was. Amazingly, I hit almost every green light on the back way to the airport. Without traffic, it takes 20 minutes. In the full swing of rush hour, I got there in 25 minutes! Both Reagan and I made the flight, although I wasn't sure what was in my bag, who was going to watch my children while I was away, or what our plan was when we arrived in the middle of the night in D.C. I was riding a huge wave of adrenaline.
At this point, we were still under the impression that our dossiers would have to be in Kigali on Monday, August 30. I didn't know how that would happen (even FedEx wouldn't get it there by the deadline), but regardless, I knew it couldn't happen unless all of my documents were authenticated by the proper authorities in D.C. At the airport, I started crying when Reagan told me that Jessica, a young woman in our church, was willing to fly to Kigali on Saturday in order to hand-deliver our dossiers to the minister in charge of adoptions. Who does that for someone?!? I was blown away! With that news, I was confident that God was in this and that He would somehow make a way for us.
On our layover in Dallas, Reagan and I realized that we'd bought tickets to two different airports - me to Dulles and Reagan to Baltimore. (A few important details got lost in the frantic voice messages and texts.) Both flights arrived well after midnight. When we parted ways in the DFW airport, I called Harry and started bawling. The adrenaline was wearing off, and the whole thing seemed insane with Reagan but seemed frightening and overwhelming without her by my side.
How in the world would we meet up in D.C. and get to where we needed to be first thing in the morning?!? It seemed very scary to do it alone and on such little sleep. Harry reassured me that God was with me and that everything would be fine. Thankfully, the way God worked in this case was he gave Dave the good sense to tell Reagan to ask at the ticket counter if she could change to my flight. Her flight was overbooked so they let her do it. I was very relieved when she showed up at my gate!
On the plane to D.C., I was so wired that I didn't sleep a wink even though it was way past my bedtime. I remembered that in the past few months, I've been praying that I would feel desperate for God, that I would draw near to Him in ways I hadn't before. Boy, was I feeling desperate on that flight! I wrote down every prayer request I could think of - all of the things that needed to happen on Thursday and Friday in order to meet the deadline. Just as I was ready to try to sleep, the captain announced our descent into D.C. and the lights came up.
Once we arrived at our airport hotel about two in the morning, we created additional documents for our dossiers and found directions to the State Department and the Embassy. We also discovered that the State Department only does authentications from 7:30 to 11:30 am. If we had flown in Thursday morning, we would have missed it for that day! After two hours of semi-sleep, we got up at 5:00 am to take the shuttle back to the airport, get on a Metro bus for a 40 minute ride to the Metro station, and take the Metro to the State Department authentications office. We arrived shortly before 7:00 am which gave us time to pray together and get a bite to eat.
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| Reagan outside the State Dept office |
The State Department will authenticate up to 15 documents per person per day, which is not what we had heard from others. We expected to have to beg them to make an exception for us. As it turned out, I had 14 document bundles and Reagan had 16, so she handed me one of hers to put in my pile. No exceptions required. We sailed right through the process and were done by about 8:15 am. One of many, many answers to prayer.
We headed directly to the Embassy and prayed that God would give them sympathy to our plight, that someone would be willing to approve our documents by Friday.
But this was the man that God had given us - Vianney. I prayed my brains out right there and said what was on my heart - inarticulate, weepy, desperate. I told him that we had heard the news the day before as well, and we'd gotten on a plane last night in Texas and flown overnight because this was our only chance. I remember Reagan motioning to the stacks of documents in our hands and saying, "Please! These are our babies!"
It was only by God's grace that he took pity on us. Vianney very nicely but reluctantly took our documents "since we came all the way from Texas" but would not guarantee that we would have them by Friday. At that point, I didn't care about a guarantee because the Embassy now officially had my documents in their possession on August 26th!
When Vianney walked away, we both sank into the couch and started crying. It felt like we'd gotten over a a huge hurdle - the uncertainty had been completely overwhelming in the moment - and I was so relieved and grateful to God that I felt like weeping.
Since we didn't have anywhere else to be in D.C., we ended up sitting on the Embassy couch for hours, communicating with people by text and email. We saw lots of couriers come and go and heard Vianney tell many people over the phone that they were not accepting anymore dossiers. At that point, we thought we were the last ones to get into the Embassy before the deadline.
One particular interaction with a courier that morning stands out in my mind. As he was leaving, he saw us sitting on the couch and asked if we were waiting for dossiers as well. Reagan said yes, that we were prospective adoptive families who had just dropped off our dossiers. He looked at us with a surprising mix of condescension and pity, raised his eyebrows, and said, "Yeah, well, good luck with that" and gave the distinct impression that he thought we were idiots. Reagan said, "Yeah, we're praying they'll get our dossiers done in time" and with that, he scurried out without another word. I think the reason that interaction was so memorable to me was because it was on the heels of us seeing all that God had done to pave our way. My internal reaction was, "You have NO CLUE just Who we have on our side!"
As it turned out, the situation was pretty fluid, with prospective adoptive families and their friends contacting everyone they could think of between Washington and Kigali - Senators, Congressmen, the U.S. Consulate in Kigali, and the Minister herself. By Friday, it began to look like the ministry would accept all dossiers if they were stamped by the Embassy in D.C. by Tuesday, August 31.
Reagan and I both got to talk to other families during the day on Friday and encouraged them to get to D.C. as soon as possible, to not give up. To us, every family that tried to make the deadline represented at least one more orphan who would have a forever family.
When we went back to the Embassy to check on the status of our documents on Friday afternoon, we found out that the person who signs the approval letter was called out of town early Friday morning, so no progress had been made on any files. Vianney told us to come back on Monday afternoon.
At this point, I desperately wanted to be home with my family. After three days of feeling so out of control, emotionally I felt like it would be best for me to go home for the weekend and return to D.C. on Monday. I didn't want to sit around for 72 hours waiting and wondering. Thankfully, we were able to find cheap flights home, leaving at noon on Saturday.
I ended up staying Friday night with family friends out in the Virginia suburbs, which was a great escape from the chaos. Reagan stayed in Arlington with a friend of hers. The next morning, Linda drove me to the Metro station to catch the train into Reagan National Airport. The usual 20-minute drive to the station turned out to be an hour and a half traffic nightmare. I've never seen so many cars not moving AT ALL, and I was praying like crazy and trying not to panic. I really, really, really wanted to go home to my family. When we finally arrived at 10:20, the line to get on the train was snaking around the parking lot, literally a thousand people waiting. Another "I think I'm going to throw up" moment for me, along with a few "God, why does everything have to be so difficult this week??" thoughts thrown in.
As it turns out, Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally was taking place in D.C. that afternoon, and I hadn't even considered the consequences for public transportation. I texted Reagan and said, "I'm not going to make the flight!" She called me and long story short, she and her friends jumped in their car, raced out to the suburbs to pick me up, and somehow got us to the airport at 11:25 for our 12:00 flight. My nerves were totally shot!
I was so glad to be at home with Harry and the girls and to be with my church family on that Sunday. It was just what my heart needed. I flew back to D.C. early on Monday morning to get our approved documents as well as Reagan and Dave's. The plan was for me to put both of our dossiers together and FedEx them to Kigali from D.C. and hopefully fly home on Tuesday.
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| Isaac and Tara with Vianney |
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| SOOO happy when Carol handed me my completed documents! |
Overall, this was such a rich experience of seeing God work, and it answered some questions for me. I've wondered if I could love another baby as much as the two I have. Through this experience, I don't have any doubt. In our hearts, this baby is already ours. That was our knee-jerk response to the announcement, and our immediate prayer was, "Lord, please make a way!" I'm eternally grateful for the Lord's confirmation of our unconditional love for this child.
Yes, we were willing to respectfully accept a 'no' if that's what the authorities along the way told us, but we knew we had to try to make the impossible deadline. The cost, inconvenience and uncertainty didn't sway either of us at all. It was obvious at the time that it was the right thing for us to do.
A friend sent Harry an email while I was in D.C. It put this whole episode in a new perspective for me:
Harry - I do not know if it is my current state of affairs or what, but the picture I see of you & Cici pursuing the "one" life of a small child is such a picture of the Father's pursuit of us. I know the child has no idea of the love and investment being made on her behalf even before she is a part of the family. My prayer is that soon she will know her father and there after her Heavenly Father.It seems to me that's what each of the prospective adoptive families I know are doing - reflecting the love of our Father to a small child who has no idea of the love and investment being made on their behalf. What a privilege for us to be used by God in this way!
Interceding and tears on your behalf before our Dad,
Bob
I am so grateful for the Body of Christ. Brothers and sisters in Christ, many of whom I'll never meet, have sustained us with their prayers, not just for us but for the Embassy workers, who are a great group of people. And God answered all of our prayers. He made a way.
And so we continue to trust Him with the rest of our journey. What an amazing adventure this has been so far, one that I never could have scripted!
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