Rumor Mill

All I can say is "Ugh." The adoption rumor mill is grinding out more uncertainty, more speculation.

Actually, in a way, I'm happy to be on this roller coaster. Nine months ago I didn't think they were going to let us on the ride. But the latest twists and turns and ups and downs are starting to make me nauseous.

How do I process all of this that is 100% out of my control? How do I live in the present and not speculate about what could or might happen with our adoption?

Since I first caught wind of the rumor yesterday, my brain has been working overtime trying to make sense of the path we're on. I keep going back to the basic questions:

Did God call us to adopt?  Yes.

Are we confident that God called us to adopt from Rwanda?  Yes.

Have we heard Him correctly?  I believe so.

Have we done all that is in our power in this process?  Yes.

Although there's a lot that I don't understand, all I can do is rest in the fact that my very good God is sovereign. He is in control of all things. Nothing escapes His notice. He knows more about, and cares more about, our daughter in Rwanda than we do. He knows what He's doing in her life and in our lives as well.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5

And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.  Galatians 6:9

Although my emotions aren't necessarily cooperating, I'm trying to rest in the truth of these verses. I keep reminding myself of them whenever fear or demandingness or anger starts to creep in.

The timing of the rumors is interesting for me. I just finished reading the book of Job yesterday and have been trying to absorb all that God is saying to me through Job's suffering. As I think about this new situation, Job 42:1-2 keeps coming to mind:

Then Job answered the Lord and said: "I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

"Learn this as you read Job: When you stand before Me in mystery, you will eventually rest within Me in trust. When you can't figure Me out, you will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope." Larry Crabb, 66 Love Letters

In this whole adoption process, I have had to give up any illusion of predictability and control. I've had to live in the mystery of how God works. At this point, I can only trust that God's plans and purposes are being fulfilled. I've done what God's asked me to do with this adoption. I have obeyed. We will stay the course until God tells us otherwise.

Things may not turn out the way we hope, but I'm praying and asking like never before.

Unexpected Questions

Both Harry and I have been brought to tears recently by innocent questions from Claire.

Last month as we were helping her understand our family relationships - Poppy is my Daddy, YiaYia is my Mommy, Grandma T is Daddy's Mommy - Claire asked, "Who is Daddy's Daddy?" Harry and I just looked at each other, and I said something like, "His name is Grandpa, but he's not here. He died eight years ago."

Months ago, we had started the discussion about death when our neighbor's dog, Charlie, died unexpectedly. It's been a lot of "Where'd Charlie go?" and "When is he coming back?" Yes, it's pretty obvious that she doesn't really get it.

This week, as Harry was playing with the girls before bed, Claire turned to him and said, "Did your Daddy die?" Harry's not usually emotional about his Dad's death, but he said it caught him so off-guard that he started to tear up. He told her, "Yes, he died." Then Claire said, "Where is he now?" to which Harry said, "My Daddy's in heaven."

Claire's surprising response was, "I don't want to go to heaven." After some discussion with her, Harry figured out what she meant was that she didn't want to die. Harry told her that we all die at some point and assured her that she does want to go to heaven to be with Jesus. :-)

Last night, the girls were jumping on my bed before bedtime. Harry had turned on an Aaron Ivey CD, but I hadn't even noticed. Between jumps, Claire randomly said, "Mommy, is this Molly's song?" I was like, "Huh??"as my head started spinning. The music finally registered in my brain, and I remembered that, months ago, Claire had seen me crying as we listened to the song Amos Story on that CD. The tears welled up in my eyes immediately. Every time I hear that song, it reminds me of our sweet little girl in Rwanda.

Claire turns three next month, and she's beginning to put together ideas and memories that surprise us. I'm floored at what she remembers, and she totally caught me flat-footed last night. I think Molly's been on her mind too. Lately, she's been telling me that she's going to feed Molly and wants to hold her.

But truth be told, I've been emotional all week seeing the photos of Cooper Allen finally being united with his family, along with the stories of other families who have traveled recently. I love what God is doing in the lives of these adoptive families and their precious children. And I'm trusting God that it will be our turn soon enough, in His perfect timing.

Gracious Uncertainty

Next Saturday we hit our 8-month anniversary of being DTR, and the wait has been wearing on me lately. Even so, I'm encouraged about all of the approvals and referrals that are coming out of Rwanda, and it's been heartwarming to be with Aliyah Choy and Drew Schulz. Their sweet faces remind me of how much is at stake in this journey.

But our high number and the rumors of a wait list for younger children make everything seem more uncertain and much longer than I'd hoped. Being a planner, it's hard to have our lives in limbo like this. (I know, that's the reality of international adoption, and I willingly volunteered for this...)

Throughout the past year, I have clung to the knowledge that God is in every one of the details and that He has a grander purpose in this for us, but my emotions haven't always cooperated. On most days though, I'm able to remember that it's less about the outcome and more about what He's doing in my heart.

Harry read me something last night from My Utmost for His Highest that encouraged me at this stage of the process and reminded me of what's important:

"Our natural inclination is to be so precise - trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next - that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty...

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life - gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises....Jesus said "...unless you...become as little children" (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next."

I'm so grateful for spiritual giants like Oswald Chambers who remind me of the Truth in this confusing process. It helps me to focus on the tasks at hand and to trust God's plan for us.

Waiting

Molly has been on my mind a lot these days, especially with the exciting news of new approvals from Rwanda and with the Choys and Schulzes traveling next week. It's all starting to seem more real to me. Without warning, songs can bring me to tears, thinking about our baby girl over there in Rwanda. We are so ready for her to be with us.

Whenever Claire sees me crying, regardless of the reason, she says, "Are you sad about Molly?" It's pretty sweet. If I ask Claire or Meredith what their sister's name is, both say, "Molly!" It doesn't occur to them to say each other's names. haha

Tonight as she was eating dinner, Claire asked a question that led to a conversation about Molly. She asked, "Do you want Molly to be here?" I told her, "I do. I'm ready for her to come home." She asked, "Where is she?" I said, "She's in Rwanda, and hopefully soon, Daddy and I will be able to go get her." Immediately, she starting getting down from her seat and said, "I'll go get her right now!"

I started laughing and told her that Rwanda is very far away and that we have to wait until people tell us we can go get her. She just looked at me, not understanding, and said, "Oh."

It's now been almost a year since we made the decision to move forward with the adoption, and almost six months since our dossier arrived in Rwanda. I'm hopeful that we'll hear something soon. We're ready!

Meeting Steven and Valence

Not much news from Harry, other than a few short emails, but it sounds like he's having a great time.  Early this morning, he sent me this photo of him with our two ANLM-sponsored boys in Kageyo.

Obviously, I know my husband's various smiles and facial expressions, and this particular one tells me that he's VERY happy.  I love it!

On His Way

Harry left this morning on a vision trip to Rwanda with Africa New Life Ministries.  The girls and I are going to miss him so much, especially on Thanksgiving, but I'm very excited about his adventure.

He arrives in Kigali tomorrow night.  It's going to be a full week of seeing the various ministries of ANLM.  One of the highlights will be meeting our two sponsored boys, Steven and Valence, and their families in Kageyo.

Sunday afternoon the group will visit the Home of Hope orphanage.  I can't even imagine what it's going to be like for him.  He really has no idea what he's walking into.  Harry's also going to deliver our final documents to MIGEPROF (hopefully) to complete our dossier.

Here are some photos before we left for the airport:

Our two-year-old doesn't like to cooperate these days

A family hug

Guess she's fine posing by herself

I-171H - Check!

"It has been determined that you are able to furnish proper care to an orphan(s) as defined by Section 101(B)(1)(F) of the Immigration and Nationality Act."

Thank you very much, Department of Homeland Security and USCIS! 

We received our I-171H in the mail today.  Next week, I'll work on getting it and our updated medical forms authenticated and sent over to Kigali to complete our dossier that's already there.  Or, now that I'm thinking about it, I may wait until Harry heads to Kigali next month, and he can deliver the forms to MIGEPROF in person.

This week we also found out our number - that is, where we are in line to adopt, or at least to receive approval to adopt from the Rwandan government.  I had heard that there were almost 200 dossiers in line, so I was expecting a very high number.  As in the 190s.  But happily, we're 128.  We'll take it!

Earlier this morning, Harry said he felt led to read Psalm 128 as he was thinking about and praying for our little girl.  He walked out of the bedroom and said, "You've got to read this." 

He "happened" to read the Psalm in the Message version:

All you who fear God, how blessed you are!
how happily you walk on his smooth straight road!
You worked hard and deserve all you've got coming,
Enjoy the blessing!  Revel in the goodness!

Your wife will bear children as a vine bears grapes,
your household lush as a vineyard,
The children around your table
as fresh and promising as young olive shoots.
Stand in awe of God's Yes.
Oh, how he blesses the one who fears God!

Enjoy the good life in Jerusalem
everyday of your life.
And enjoy your grandchildren.
Peace to Israel!

Harry and I continue to marvel at how God is working in our hearts and in our family. While it's difficult to wait for our daughter, we are trusting God and committed to using this wait time wisely.  The Together for Adoption conference we attended last weekend gave us a lot to think about in preparation for the arrival of our precious third daughter.

How the Lord has blessed us already with His Presence, friends walking this journey with us, and great resources!  We stand in awe of God's Yes.