The Whirlwind

I think I've recovered emotionally and physically from the chaos we experienced last month with the unexpected announcement that Rwandan adoptions are closing down indefinitely.  It feels a little indulgent to write about it in such detail (sorry - it's really long), but I don't want to forget what God has done.  It's taken me a month to write about it, and as I continue to reflect on all that happened, my faith in the Lord grows stronger. 

No, not because I got the outcome I wanted.  Frankly, the outcome I want is our little girl in our arms and in our family, and we're still a long way from that.  This fire drill was just to get in line for approval from the Rwandan government to adopt one of their orphans.  We don't have any guarantees that we'll be approved, and we don't have any idea of when we'll hear something from them.  I'm hoping we'll know something by this time next year, but earlier than that would be great.

But I did see how much God will do for orphans, and for our little girl in particular.  I was reminded over and over again that God's plans will not be thwarted, that He is all-powerful, and that I can trust Him with every detail of my life.  Nothing is too small or insignificant to escape His notice.  Our God is worthy of all glory and honor and praise, regardless of what He chooses to do or not to do.  And through this experience, He loudly confirmed His call on our lives. 

My one goal on Wednesday, August 25th, was to upload photos from our trip to California the week before.  (Still haven't done that!)  I was planning for it to be a low-key day.  I needed a low-key day.  As it turned out, Wednesday was the start of one of the craziest weeks of my life.

Around 12:30 pm, I was running an errand with Meredith prior to my Mom bringing Claire back from an overnight stay.  In the car, I looked at my email and saw one from Tina with the subject line of 'Brace Yourself.'  Never a good sign so I was cringing as I opened the email.  Here's part of what it said:

I don’t know where to begin. There is no easy way to say what I have to say. I got an email and it is not good news. In fact it is devastating. Through tears I will type these words.....I just learned that on August 30 Rwanda will not be accepting any more dossiers until further notice, which will be posted on their website. It seems that they want to become a Hague compliant country and feel like they need to focus their attention on establishing the new procedures for international adoption and they cannot do this AND deal with the mass volume of dossiers that keep flooding in.

It seems that the dossiers that are already there will be accepted and worked on as soon as possible...but to expect further delays. For now it seems that the dossiers that are there will be processed as they have been processed in the past using the same guidelines...

I tried calling my contacts as soon as I got this email but I can’t get in touch with anyone via phone right now....but I felt I needed to get this out to you all ASAP...even though I have limited details. I am so very sorry. No one had any idea this was coming. I believe even the agencies are unaware of this and you are the first to get this horrible news.

I literally felt like I was going to throw up.  That's what I emailed to a good friend when I forwarded her the email.  I couldn't reach Harry by phone, and my mind felt fuzzy.  Later, I realized that it was almost the exact same reaction I had to my miscarriage three years ago.  (I found out later that Harry had the same reaction as he did to the news of the miscarriage.)  In both situations, I couldn't focus, and I didn't know what to do other than keep trying to reach Harry.  Maybe he would tell me what to do.  (Not my usual reaction...)

A few friends who'd heard the news called and asked what we were going to do, but I didn't have an answer.  I had no idea, and I still hadn't talked to Harry.  I was reeling because I couldn't believe that this was the end of the road on our Rwandan adoption.  We were convinced that God had called us to this.  And we already felt like she's ours, even though we don't know what her sweet face looks like!

Jennie called, and she was the one to dynamite me out of my fog.  Very emphatically, she told me to get on a plane to D.C. and go get our documents approved, that it wasn't too late, that we couldn't give up.  Her confidence got my mind working again.  It seemed like a very long shot, but it certainly was worth trying.

Providentially, Harry and I had a 2:00 meeting scheduled that day at home with Mark, one of our pastors.  In the few minutes that Harry and I had to talk prior to Mark arriving, we decided that we needed to try to make the deadline.  I laid all of our documents out in front of us and realized that we had everything except updated medical forms and the I-171h (U.S. Government approval to adopt), which are documents that can be updated/added to the dossier after it's in Kigali.  We just needed everything notarized, certified, and authenticated.  (Yeah, "just"!! It seemed like a giant mountain at the time.) Thankfully, Mark had heard what was happening, so when he arrived, he prayed with us and offered to stay at the house with our sleeping children. 

Harry and I raced down to his office to have his assistant notarize our documents.  At his office, I realized I was missing one (the Power of Attorney document - kind of important!), so I created it there.  In my haste, I'd also forgotten to grab our tax forms for proof of income, so I had to go back home before heading down to the Texas Secretary of State's office to get everything certified.  (Thank God we live in the capital!)

Reagan and Dave showed up at the Secretary of State's office soon after I did as they were in the same boat as we were.  She mentioned something about a 6:45 flight to D.C., but it really didn't register as an option.  It seemed impossible to make.  I figured I'd take a morning flight so I'd have time to think through everything and make sure I had what I needed.

I got home about 5:00 pm and started to feed the girls.  Harry was looking for flights for me online and mentioned that I'd get to D.C. pretty late in the day on Thursday if I flew out in the morning.  I wasn't paying much attention to what he said, and then about 5:20, I got a voice message from Reagan saying that she was on her way to the airport to try to make the 6:45 flight.  That's when it really hit me that I needed to go.

I started freaking out internally, ran into my closet and started throwing stuff into a suitcase.  Harry didn't realize what I was doing, so we were yelling at each other from opposite ends of the house while the girls were in the kitchen hollering for more food.  Until the last moment, Harry didn't even know about the message from Reagan or why I was packing so frantically.  It was complete chaos, and I felt incredibly stressed out.  Not my best moment.

I literally ran out of the house at 5:35, with the girls screaming for me.  It was awful.  I didn't even have time to stop and tell them goodbye or explain where I was going.  It was going to be a work of God to make the flight as it was.  Amazingly, I hit almost every green light on the back way to the airport.  Without traffic, it takes 20 minutes.  In the full swing of rush hour, I got there in 25 minutes!  Both Reagan and I made the flight, although I wasn't sure what was in my bag, who was going to watch my children while I was away, or what our plan was when we arrived in the middle of the night in D.C.  I was riding a huge wave of adrenaline.

At this point, we were still under the impression that our dossiers would have to be in Kigali on Monday, August 30.  I didn't know how that would happen (even FedEx wouldn't get it there by the deadline), but regardless, I knew it couldn't happen unless all of my documents were authenticated by the proper authorities in D.C.  At the airport, I started crying when Reagan told me that Jessica, a young woman in our church, was willing to fly to Kigali on Saturday in order to hand-deliver our dossiers to the minister in charge of adoptions.  Who does that for someone?!?  I was blown away!  With that news, I was confident that God was in this and that He would somehow make a way for us.

On our layover in Dallas, Reagan and I realized that we'd bought tickets to two different airports - me to Dulles and Reagan to Baltimore.  (A few important details got lost in the frantic voice messages and texts.)  Both flights arrived well after midnight.  When we parted ways in the DFW airport, I called Harry and started bawling.  The adrenaline was wearing off, and the whole thing seemed insane with Reagan but seemed frightening and overwhelming without her by my side. 

How in the world would we meet up in D.C. and get to where we needed to be first thing in the morning?!?  It seemed very scary to do it alone and on such little sleep.  Harry reassured me that God was with me and that everything would be fine.  Thankfully, the way God worked in this case was he gave Dave the good sense to tell Reagan to ask at the ticket counter if she could change to my flight.  Her flight was overbooked so they let her do it.  I was very relieved when she showed up at my gate!

On the plane to D.C., I was so wired that I didn't sleep a wink even though it was way past my bedtime.  I remembered that in the past few months, I've been praying that I would feel desperate for God, that I would draw near to Him in ways I hadn't before.  Boy, was I feeling desperate on that flight!  I wrote down every prayer request I could think of - all of the things that needed to happen on Thursday and Friday in order to meet the deadline.  Just as I was ready to try to sleep, the captain announced our descent into D.C. and the lights came up.

Once we arrived at our airport hotel about two in the morning, we created additional documents for our dossiers and found directions to the State Department and the Embassy.  We also discovered that the State Department only does authentications from 7:30 to 11:30 am.  If we had flown in Thursday morning, we would have missed it for that day!  After two hours of semi-sleep, we got up at 5:00 am to take the shuttle back to the airport, get on a Metro bus for a 40 minute ride to the Metro station, and take the Metro to the State Department authentications office.  We arrived shortly before 7:00 am which gave us time to pray together and get a bite to eat.

Reagan outside the State Dept office


The State Department will authenticate up to 15 documents per person per day, which is not what we had heard from others.  We expected to have to beg them to make an exception for us.  As it turned out, I had 14 document bundles and Reagan had 16, so she handed me one of hers to put in my pile.  No exceptions required.  We sailed right through the process and were done by about 8:15 am.  One of many, many answers to prayer. 

We headed directly to the Embassy and prayed that God would give them sympathy to our plight, that someone would be willing to approve our documents by Friday.

The first man we spoke to told us that it takes a week for the Embassy to authenticate the adoption documents.  We said, "We understand, but this is an unusual situation."  He walked away and soon another man asked how he could help us.  We asked him to authenticate our documents by Friday so they could go to Kigali on Saturday.  He just looked at us incredulously and told us it wasn't possible.  He said that it takes a week or more to authenticate documents, that they already had a big pile of dossiers to authenticate, and that they had just heard about the minister's announcement on Wednesday. 

But this was the man that God had given us - Vianney.  I prayed my brains out right there and said what was on my heart - inarticulate, weepy, desperate.  I told him that we had heard the news the day before as well, and we'd gotten on a plane last night in Texas and flown overnight because this was our only chance.  I remember Reagan motioning to the stacks of documents in our hands and saying, "Please!  These are our babies!" 

It was only by God's grace that he took pity on us.  Vianney very nicely but reluctantly took our documents "since we came all the way from Texas" but would not guarantee that we would have them by Friday.  At that point, I didn't care about a guarantee because the Embassy now officially had my documents in their possession on August 26th!

When Vianney walked away, we both sank into the couch and started crying.  It felt like we'd gotten over a a huge hurdle - the uncertainty had been completely overwhelming in the moment - and I was so relieved and grateful to God that I felt like weeping. 

Since we didn't have anywhere else to be in D.C., we ended up sitting on the Embassy couch for hours, communicating with people by text and email.  We saw lots of couriers come and go and heard Vianney tell many people over the phone that they were not accepting anymore dossiers.  At that point, we thought we were the last ones to get into the Embassy before the deadline.

One particular interaction with a courier that morning stands out in my mind.  As he was leaving, he saw us sitting on the couch and asked if we were waiting for dossiers as well.   Reagan said yes, that we were prospective adoptive families who had just dropped off our dossiers.  He looked at us with a surprising mix of condescension and pity, raised his eyebrows, and said, "Yeah, well, good luck with that" and gave the distinct impression that he thought we were idiots.  Reagan said, "Yeah, we're praying they'll get our dossiers done in time" and with that, he scurried out without another word.  I think the reason that interaction was so memorable to me was because it was on the heels of us seeing all that God had done to pave our way.  My internal reaction was, "You have NO CLUE just Who we have on our side!"

As it turned out, the situation was pretty fluid, with prospective adoptive families and their friends contacting everyone they could think of between Washington and Kigali - Senators, Congressmen, the U.S. Consulate in Kigali, and the Minister herself.  By Friday, it began to look like the ministry would accept all dossiers if they were stamped by the Embassy in D.C. by Tuesday, August 31. 

Reagan and I both got to talk to other families during the day on Friday and encouraged them to get to D.C. as soon as possible, to not give up.  To us, every family that tried to make the deadline represented at least one more orphan who would have a forever family.

When we went back to the Embassy to check on the status of our documents on Friday afternoon, we found out that the person who signs the approval letter was called out of town early Friday morning, so no progress had been made on any files.  Vianney told us to come back on Monday afternoon.

At this point, I desperately wanted to be home with my family.  After three days of feeling so out of control, emotionally I felt like it would be best for me to go home for the weekend and return to D.C. on Monday.  I didn't want to sit around for 72 hours waiting and wondering.  Thankfully, we were able to find cheap flights home, leaving at noon on Saturday.

I ended up staying Friday night with family friends out in the Virginia suburbs, which was a great escape from the chaos.  Reagan stayed in Arlington with a friend of hers.  The next morning, Linda drove me to the Metro station to catch the train into Reagan National Airport.  The usual 20-minute drive to the station turned out to be an hour and a half traffic nightmare.  I've never seen so many cars not moving AT ALL, and I was praying like crazy and trying not to panic.  I really, really, really wanted to go home to my family.  When we finally arrived at 10:20, the line to get on the train was snaking around the parking lot, literally a thousand people waiting.  Another "I think I'm going to throw up" moment for me, along with a few "God, why does everything have to be so difficult this week??" thoughts thrown in. 

As it turns out, Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally was taking place in D.C. that afternoon, and I hadn't even considered the consequences for public transportation.  I texted Reagan and said, "I'm not going to make the flight!"  She called me and long story short, she and her friends jumped in their car, raced out to the suburbs to pick me up, and somehow got us to the airport at 11:25 for our 12:00 flight.  My nerves were totally shot!

I was so glad to be at home with Harry and the girls and to be with my church family on that Sunday.  It was just what my heart needed.  I flew back to D.C. early on Monday morning to get our approved documents as well as Reagan and Dave's.  The plan was for me to put both of our dossiers together and FedEx them to Kigali from D.C. and hopefully fly home on Tuesday. 

Isaac and Tara with Vianney

The best part of going back to D.C. was getting the opportunity to meet other prospective families who had flown into D.C. over the weekend.  Two of the families were ones that I'd first spoken to on Friday and had encouraged to come to D.C.  It's amazing what instant connections are formed when you go through such an experience together!

SOOO happy when Carol handed
me my completed documents!

Thankfully, the Embassy workers stayed late and completed my documents on Monday, but Reagan's documents weren't completed until Tuesday.  I was able to put together our dossier and FedEx it on Monday night, but I ended up bringing Reagan's documents back to Austin with me on Tuesday.

Overall, this was such a rich experience of seeing God work, and it answered some questions for me.  I've wondered if I could love another baby as much as the two I have. Through this experience, I don't have any doubt. In our hearts, this baby is already ours.  That was our knee-jerk response to the announcement, and our immediate prayer was, "Lord, please make a way!"  I'm eternally grateful for the Lord's confirmation of our unconditional love for this child.

Yes, we were willing to respectfully accept a 'no' if that's what the authorities along the way told us, but we knew we had to try to make the impossible deadline.  The cost, inconvenience and uncertainty didn't sway either of us at all.  It was obvious at the time that it was the right thing for us to do.

A friend sent Harry an email while I was in D.C.  It put this whole episode in a new perspective for me:

Harry - I do not know if it is my current state of affairs or what, but the picture I see of you & Cici pursuing the "one" life of a small child is such a picture of the Father's pursuit of us. I know the child has no idea of the love and investment being made on her behalf even before she is a part of the family. My prayer is that soon she will know her father and there after her Heavenly Father.

Interceding and tears on your behalf before our Dad,
Bob

It seems to me that's what each of the prospective adoptive families I know are doing - reflecting the love of our Father to a small child who has no idea of the love and investment being made on their behalf.  What a privilege for us to be used by God in this way!

I am so grateful for the Body of Christ.  Brothers and sisters in Christ, many of whom I'll never meet, have sustained us with their prayers, not just for us but for the Embassy workers, who are a great group of people.  And God answered all of our prayers.  He made a way. 

And so we continue to trust Him with the rest of our journey.  What an amazing adventure this has been so far, one that I never could have scripted!

Finally DTR! (Dossier to Rwanda)

I've had intentions of writing about my adventure in Washington D.C., but everytime I sit down to write out the story, I'm exhausted beyond words.  I'm not sure why.  One of these days I'll blog about it. 

God answered so many prayers, and it was incredible to see His hand in the midst of the circumstances.  It really was an adventure of a lifetime, and although it was chaos at times, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.  One of the highlights for me was being able to meet other adoptive families who were in the same boat and who were scrambling like we were.

The short story is that we made it.  Our documents were stamped by the Embassy on August 30th.  Praise God!  And our attorney
delivered our dossier to MIGEPROF yesterday, September 7th.  We are officially in line to adopt.  We're praying for you, baby girl, and can't wait for you to join our family!

How Embarrassing

I got the urge to clean out closets this week.  I don't know why, but it seemed like a good idea.  We don't have a lot of closet or storage space to begin with, and I realized that the space we do have is filled with who-knows-what.  So I decided to tackle the guest bedroom closet which is full of papers, files, boxes, books, and anything else I can't stash somewhere else.  It's a disaster, and I cringe everytime I open the closet door.

This little task turned into a multiple day project, interrupted by a two-day conference, so we have piles of papers, file folders and junk all over the house - the dining room table, the kitchen counter, the dresser in my room, the mantle in the living room - plus a scattered assortment of stuff to take to Goodwill.  On Monday, I decided that if I was going to do this job, I'd do it right.  That meant dealing with every file and every piece of paper, once and for all.  But I didn't anticipate that it would be an unfinished project when I left for the conference on Thursday morning.  Ugh.

So last night, after the girls were in bed, I decided to finish my project.  I grabbed a big pile of file folders from the mantle, sat down in front of the television, and started sorting.  About halfway through the pile, as I was moving a folder, I looked down to see a folded green document mixed in with a few other papers, between file folders. 

My first thought was, "You've got to be kidding me." 

My next fleeting thought was, "I am such an idiot!!!  I looked everywhere for that."

The very next thought was, "God knew it all along.  He's in control of this too."

That folded green document was my birth certificate.  The one I couldn't find in March so I had to order it from the State Department.  The one that I waited three months to receive.  The one that held up our home study and filing the I-600a.  THAT birth certificate. 

And I apparently had it in my possession all along.  Argh!!

Thankfully, my husband was very gracious about it when I told him what I found.  He wasn't mad or irritated (which is probably how I would have felt if the shoe was on the other foot...)  He just reminded me that God knows the child He has for us. 

I'm not TOO upset about my find because I recognize that the Lord has been working in me though this adoption process, especially in the wait for my birth certificate.  But I confess I am a little embarrassed.

In the Mail

Our I-600A application is FINALLY in the mail!

Perhaps it's just preparation for waiting in the coming months, but the process so far has been frustrating and humbling.  I thought things would move quickly once I received my birth certificate, but I was wrong.  It took an extra month to receive our final home study report.  Sigh.

But we have the report now, and it's on its way to USCIS.  So now we head into the next approval cycle.  I'm hoping our approval will be here in 4-6 weeks, but I should know better than to speculate.  To date, nothing has gone according to my plan...

It's been a tough month emotionally.  Part of it has to do with the apparent disconnect between what I say I believe and how that belief is working itself out in my life. 

I know that God is in control.  I truly believe that His ways are best.  I know I'll never have satisfactory answers as to why things are taking so long.  And intellectually, I'm okay with that.  I don't have a right to know, and I will never be able to see the full picture as God does.

But on an emotional level, I'm struggling.  In a number of different areas of my life, I have a strong desire to control my circumstances.  Between dysfunctional extended family-relationships, a mentally-exhausting two-year-old, the tiresome waiting on others to complete seemingly basic adoption tasks, and my own selfish desires, I have lost my focus on God's way and become wrapped up in my circumstances.  It hasn't been pretty.

I'm grateful for the Word of God and how He speaks to me through it.  In the midst of my struggle, Psalm 131 (Msg) recently reminded me where my hope lies:

God, I'm not trying to rule the roost,
I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.

I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.

Wait, Israel, for God.  Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

I continue to trust God to cultivate a quiet heart in me.  I want my soul to be content, regardless of circumstances.  I will wait with hope, knowing that God is doing His work in me.  Hope now.  Hope always.

Okay, I Believe It!

My birth certificate is here.  Yea!!  It arrived in the mail today.

After waiting for nearly twelve weeks, having it in my hands seems almost anticlimactic, oddly enough. 

But I am grateful to God for what He's shown me about myself in the waiting.  He's got a lot of work to do in this messy little heart of mine!

Um, yeah, I really was born in Libya.  (Mom and Dad can explain that one.)  Was that the reason for the hold-up at the State Department?!?  I'm beginning to wonder...  :-)

I'll Believe It When I See It

Every day for the past week, I've tried to contact the State Department about the status of my birth certificate request.  I either get "line busy" or more often, the phone just rings and rings until I finally hang up.  It's been two weeks since my last unhelpful conversation with them. 

Yes, I was born in a very weird country, but does it really take more than eleven weeks to verify that I am, in fact, a U.S. citizen and to produce one document?  Apparently.

Last Thursday, I finally heard from my congressman's office, who I contacted on May 19 via their website form.  I got a letter in the mail, thanking me for contacting them, and another form asking for the very same information I had entered on their website.  Sigh.

I tried not to be pissy about giving them the information AGAIN and I dropped it by the congressman's local office last Friday, where a fresh-faced young man told me my request would get entered into the system asap.  My first sinful thought was, "Yeah, that would have been super helpful three weeks ago!" but I just smiled and said thank you, reminding myself that God is in control of all things, including my little request.

I realize that my issue is very low on the congressman's priority list, but I've never bothered an elected official for anything before now.  I had hoped for better responsiveness and for him to help speed up the process.  That's not likely to be the case now.

I called the State Department again this morning.  I obviously didn't think I was going to get through because I made the call with two little girls underfoot, so naturally, a real person answered. 

The guy, who remembered me from two weeks ago, told me that my birth certificate was mailed on Monday, so I should receive it by next Monday at the latest.  Woo hoo! 

I'm hopeful but can't totally shake my skepticism.  I'll believe it when I see it.  Still, I pray to God that the guy's information is accurate and that I have my birth certificate in my hot little hand soon!  We'll see.

Progress? Not Sure...

I actually got through to the U.S. State Department's Vital Records section this afternoon.  No one was more surprised than me! 

I got the mail this morning, and there was still no birth certificate.  Argh.  So when I put the girls down for their naps, I thought, "Why not?  I'll try that phone number again, but this time, I won't waste two hours."

On the first try, instead of the maddening "line busy" message, the phone kept ringing.  Good sign.  It took me a second to realize that a real person had answered, not an automated message, and I had to jump up and get the phone off of speaker.

I gave the guy my name and birthdate, he looked up my request, and then our conversation went like this:

"Um, it looks like your request is being processed." 
(Yeah, dude, not super helpful.)
"Okaaaaay.  Do you have any idea when I'll be receiving my birth certificate?"
"Probably soon." 
(Riiiiight.)
"How long does it normally take to get a birth certificate?"
"Four to eight weeks."
"Well, my request was submitted over nine weeks ago, and you cashed my check eight weeks ago, so I'm already over that time frame."
"Um, it's in the hands of a specialist."
"Can you tell what the hold up is?"
"No."
"Would someone actually contact me if there was a problem with my request?"
"Oh, yes."
"Is it possible to find out what's holding up my request?"
"Do you want to talk to the specialist?"
"Yes, I would."

Then he put me on hold.  Even in the moment, I didn't get my hopes up.  Frankly, it seemed too good to be true. 

And it was.

After awhile, he came back on the line to tell me that the specialist had "stepped away from his office" and asked if I wanted the specialist to call me when he returned. 

"Why, yes, I would."

I'm not holding my breath.  I didn't even have the heart to ask when I could expect the return call, although it crossed my mind.  I'll be shocked if I actually get that call.

While the phone call wasn't very helpful, at least I know my request has been received, and it's working its way through the bureaucracy that is our federal government.

More importantly though, I know that Almighty God is in control, not some bureaucrat.  It certainly helps me to have that perspective in this situation. 

And I can see that God is using this delay to do more of His work in me.  I happen to be reading in Job right now, and this quote from the Job chapter of 66 Love Letters really hit me this morning:

[God speaking] "To know Me well, you must first be confused by Me.  Only in the mystery of suffering will you stop trying to fit Me into your understanding of life.  Learn this as you read Job:  When you stand before Me in mystery, you will eventually rest within Me in trust.  When you can't figure Me out, you will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope."

I'm definitely confused and can't figure God out.  But I'm choosing to trust that He knows what He's doing with this whole thing!  No doubt, a good place to be.