Oh, The Irony

The subject of surrender has been on my mind a lot over the past year.  I was talking with my friend, Staci, recently about it, and God brought to mind something from years ago.

As I turned 30, I was wrestling with the idea of surrendering my life to God, truly asking Him to be the Lord of my life.  I had come to Christ a few years earlier, but I still hadn't surrendered everything. 

I knew that me being in control of my life hadn't made things turn out the way I had hoped.  In my heart, I wanted to surrender control to God, but the thought scared me to death.  Give up control of the decisions that affect my life??  Yikes.

I was convinced that anyone who really surrendered to God got sent to Africa as a missionary.  And the LAST thing I ever wanted to be was a missionary - in Africa of all places.  It sounded awful to me!  (No doubt because of my complete self-centeredness, it didn't even occur to me that some people really want to be missionaries in Africa...) 

Thankfully, in spite of my fears, God gave me the courage to surrender my life to Him, knowing that He is completely trustworthy and His character never changes.  In the end, I realized that I could trust Him with my future more than I could trust me with it.

Little did I know that God would soon lead me in a new career direction.  At 32, I joined the staff of Priority Associates, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, so I did become a missionary.  Willingly!  And as it turned out, my personality and experience were perfectly suited to this calling.  It was a great fit and the meaningful career for which I'd been searching.

And eight years later, as God would have it, here we are pursuing an adoption - in Africa of all places!  We long to meet the daughter that He has placed on our hearts.

At 30, I guess I wasn't so off-base in what I was thinking about missionaries and Africa...I just didn't have the details worked out correctly. 

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."  Proverbs 19:21

Isn't our God amazing??!?

My Part, God's Part

Does adoption make an otherwise sane woman lose her mind???  I'm beginning to wonder.

Already I can tell that this is going to be a very refining process for me.  Intellectually, I knew walking into the adoption that I needed to trust God with the process and the timing, realizing that most of it is out of my control. 

I thought I was okay with that.  And I am on most days.  But this whole birth certificate thing is really bugging me.  (Yes, a snag in step one is bugging me.  Not a great sign, huh?)

I was thinking about the missing birth certificate again as I was showering yesterday morning.  And then a thought popped in my head that tempted me to go down a wrong path. 

I thought, "Have I done something, God, that's made you mad at me?  Is that why You're punishing me by withholding my birth certificate?  Don't you know that we can't move ahead with the adoption without it?"

My next thought was, "UH OH.  What's going on here?"

I know better than that.  What bothers me, I guess, is that blaming God is not my normal reaction to things not going my way.

I KNOW that the One True Living God isn't a vindictive, mean-spirited, punishing God.  He is my loving Father who cares for me and delights in me.  He's proven that over and over and over again to me.  He loves me with an everlasting love.  He knows ALL things.  He also knows what's best for me, what's around the corner, and the exact child He has planned for our family.  And He knows what He's doing in me through this adoption.

I think it's interesting that in a weak moment, I was tempted to blame God and demand that things happen my way, on my timetable.  That's not the woman He wants me to be, yet He saw that tendency in my heart.  All He did was show it to me yesterday.  Not a pretty sight.

Do I want my birth certificate to get here?  Absolutely.  But more than that, I truly want to do this God's way, not mine.

I can do my part.  God gets to do His part in His way.

Not coincidentally, after praying about all of this, I realized that I could call the State Department to see if I could get someone on the phone to find out the status of my request.  That's not being demanding or trying to do God's part.

Long story short - it took me awhile, but I finally got a direct phone number for the Vital Records section.  So I called them yesterday afternoon. 

At first, it seemed like I was really going to get some answers.  Yea!!  But in reality, I just got funneled into their automated phone system from hell.   The option to "check the status of a pending request" kept saying "Line busy" and putting me back into the very long main menu.  I resorted to trying every option on the menu (repeatedly), but after every three options selected, I was told, "Goodbye" and hung up on.  Really.

I kept calling back - for two whole hours - but I never could reach a live person. I tried every combination I could think of to reach an operator, but nothing worked.  It was so ridiculous that, by the end of the two hours, I was laughing out loud.  It was a total waste of my children's naptime.  That's the worst part of it for me.  Precious, alone time WASTED!!!

Last night, I sent an email to my Congressman, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he can get some answers for me.  We'll see.  I've done my part.  Now I just wait and trust that God is doing His part.  And I know He will.

It's funny.  I seem to be writing about this a lot, but I rarely talk about it.  My days are full, and life goes on.  But it's good to be able to get it off my chest.  :-)

Now it's time to pack for a fun weekend trip with my honey!  No kids!!  Spa appointments!  Woo hoo!  Thanks, Mom and Dad!!

One Down, A Million More Steps to Go

Okay, maybe not a million, but some days it feels that way.  Today is one of those days.

On Friday, we completed our home study with the social worker.  She's been very easy to talk to and has really engaged in our life stories.  Thankfully, I didn't feel the need to make our home spotless because, frankly, that's not how we live.  She may as well see us in our reality...

However, I did find myself wondering earlier in the week how to make our social worker like us and not think we are religious freaks so we'll get a good report.  Another predictable power grab by my flesh to control my circumstances! 

And then I remembered that she's not in control of this adoption, God is.  Duh, Cici.

It's not about making anyone like us; it's about trusting that God has called us to adopt and that He will work it out according to His timing and His plans, not mine. I'm glad that we laid out all of our beliefs and reasons to adopt because it honored God.

Since I don't usually live by my emotions, I've been surprised how emotionally draining the adoption process has been for me.  It doesn't help that my birth certificate still hasn't arrived.  Seven weeks and counting.  And it's now become a showstopper.  We can't get our home study final report without it or submit our I-600a. 

But in the midst of it all, I find myself drawing close to my Lord.  When I invite Him into my inner turmoil, He provides perspective and His peace that passes all understanding.

I came across a quote recently that really hit me.  "It's not what you believe that counts; it's what you believe enough to do."  

I don't have any doubts about adopting. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is God's calling for us.  This wasn't something that we dreamed up on our own.  I believe it enough to continue to look for that birth certificate in the mail and to make progress on the other dossier requirements. 

One home study down and a million more steps to go to our little girl on another continent.  How we long for her to join our family!

Where, O Where Can It Be?

My birth certificate has still not arrived. 

It's now almost six weeks since I sent off the request to the U.S. State Department for my "consular report of birth."  Thanks, Mom and Dad, for deciding to have me in a foreign country.  :-)

How hard can it be to get a copy of a birth certificate??  Harry's passport renewal only took three weeks.  And the State Department cashed my check for my birth certificate four weeks ago. 

I'm just sayin'...

Getting the mail each day has become a "maybe it'll be here today" rollercoaster.  It's definitely on my mind everyday, regardless of what's going on, because our birth certificates are the starting point for most adoption related requirements.

I confess that I do feel a little frustrated by the things out my control, but I know it comes with adoption - and pregnancy - and life in general.  That, of course, doesn't make me feel any better right now.

The adoption process has been an exercise in patience even in these early stages.  Apparently, patience is God's lesson for me in this season of life.  Things rarely happen in my timing or according to my schedule.  So I'm learning to go with the flow more (not my strong suit) and to trust once again that God's timing is perfect.  Not too slow or too quick, but PERFECT.  I have been tempted on a number of occasions to demand things my way, but instead, I shut my mouth and pray like crazy. 

It was especially hard this week when my friend Kayan sent me a link to another blog.  It's circulating among families who are waiting to adopt from Rwanda.  An American woman living in Rwanda wrote about her experience at Home of Hope Orphanage.  That's the place where our daughter will be living before she joins our family. Reading her blog broke my heart, and I bawled for hours.  It wiped me out emotionally for the rest of the day.

Here are the two posts about the orphanage:  Life Of A Thousand Hills - Annuncia and Annuncia Part II.  As Kayan warned me: be careful.  You'll cry.

I read things like this and wonder about children who need to be loved and why everything has to take so long. 

And then I remember:  God is in control of ALL things, including children who need to be loved, my birth certificate and this adoption waiting period.  2 Corinthians 12 keeps coming to mind:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

God's Word says when I am weak, then I am strong. 

I feel weak and helpless about a lot of the details with the adoption, yet God assures me I'm strong because of Christ in me.  His grace IS sufficient for me.  I'm choosing to rest in that truth today.

And yet, I still think, "Maybe today, Lord??"  The mail hasn't arrived yet...

Dazed and Confused

I feel somewhat dazed and confused these days.  I'm not sure how else to explain it.  There's so much going on internally that I'm not totally myself.  As I've tried to examine what's going on, I realize it's not one thing; it's a lot of things.

In preparation for seeing Immaculee Ilibagiza at the Paramount tomorrow night, I read her book, Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust.  I loved it, and I hated it, and I couldn't put it down.  I learned so much, but it left my emotions raw.  The evil was mind-numbingly awful.  I was snapping at my husband and kids because I couldn't control all of the emotions that were spilling out as I was reading it. 

Then I immediately picked up Rosamond Carr's Land of a Thousand Hills: My Life in Rwanda which was incredibly rich and helpful in understanding more about Rwanda.  I finished it up last night, but it wasn't a feel-good ending.  I think I'm still sad about that.  Honestly, I wanted a happy ending.  I wanted to feel better.

Now that I'm immersed in all-things-Rwandan due to the adoption, I can't help but think back to 1994.  WHAT WAS I DOING THAT THE GENOCIDE DIDN"T HIT MY RADAR??  Okay, I know that I was very self-centered and focused on my career back then, but REALLY??? 

I pay attention to the news and always have.  I remember seeing pictures of rivers full of dead bodies in Rwanda and being repulsed by it, but that's it.  I did nothing, and I said nothing about it.  I guess I just figured it wasn't my problem.  Again, REALLY, CICI???

I've been in 2 Kings lately, and the reading has been very disturbing.  It's totally affecting my emotions.  It's hard to read about the evil kings of Israel and Judah and all of the horrible sin, violence, and destruction in detail. 

And I know it's no coincidence that I was reading about Rwanda at the same time.  God is seriously making me deal with the evil in the world and the evil in myself.  I have appreciated the perspective on 2 Kings from 66 Love Letters:

[God speaking] "My people must be crushed into hopelessness and helplessness by realizing that they are being swallowed up by evil.  Any thought that without Me they can escape from the pit into which they have fallen will keep them depending on themselves, not Me.  Very few in any age, even among My followers, have faced the presence of evil within them...I wrote 2 Kings to help you understand the lethal nature of the evil that is in My people and for you to tremble before its power to ruin your life.

As you read this love letter hear this: My plan is moving ahead in the worst of times.  Don't make it your goal to change bad times to good.  Pray for that, of course, and do all you can to improve the world in which you live.  But above all else, seek to know Me better and to represent Me well in every circumstance, no matter how you feel." (emphasis mine)

I don't have a nice little bow to tie on this, or three neat little conclusions to draw from what's going on with me.  All I know right now is that God is moving in my heart in new ways.  I am confident that this adoption is His grace in our lives, and I can't even begin to imagine what He's going to do through it.  But I know that I don't want to miss out on what He has for me.

I'm choosing to focus on Him alone, even as I wait for my birth certificate (almost five weeks now) and wonder when we'll actually get our dossier to Rwanda.  Thankfully, although I feel helpless, I don't feel hopeless.

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."  Psalm 25:5

Counting the Cost

I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears.  It's been that way for months.

I'm not a crier - never have been - so this is really bizarre to me.  I know that it's good and right for me to be more in touch with my emotions and to express them.  For too long, I built walls around my heart to avoid pain, and I NEVER cried, especially not in front of people.  Now I can't help myself.

I feel like God is dismantling and rearranging so much in my heart, in my head, and in my life. 

Some days it just wears me out.  Today is one of those days.  And it's days like these that I get impatient with my kids because I just want to be alone and to think. 

We've had lots of relational hits this past year - some intentional, some not. 

The intentional betrayals and conflict have hurt a lot, and it's taken months to process what's happened.  Both Harry and I have drawn closer to God in the midst of them and are better understanding our own sin and gaining a better perspective of God's holiness.  In some of the situations, God has given us the green light to move on.  The more difficult situations are the ones with family, where we don't have the luxury of moving on, but we don't know how to move forward either.

I'm realizing that the unintentional hits are also taking a toll.  Some of these involve unmet expectations that I need to get over.  Others are situations in which I've taken on too much responsibility, even just emotionally, for other people's problems or inertia. 

Another that I've recently acknowledged are the situations where our values and personal choices are creating distance in once-close relationships.  While it's exciting to be following God on the adventures He has for us, people don't always understand or agree.  That's fine, and to be expected occasionally, but it's still hard to lose intimacy in relationships, whether for a season or for good.  No one really wants to be thought of as "weird" by their friends or family.  (Okay, I don't.)

Harry and I were talking about all of these situations last night, and I recounted, month by month, all that has happened over the past year.  It's no wonder we feel weary.

Even though it's been painful, I know it's part of the cost of following Jesus. 

[Jesus speaking] "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple."  Luke 14:29 (Msg)

He's doing something in me, testing me to see if I will turn back.  Will I value successful relationships more than pleasing God?  Do I want what I want more than what He wants for me?  Will I decide that His way is just too difficult or that He's expecting too much of me?  Will the weariness lead me to apathy?

I hope not.

This quote from 66 Love Letters reminds me of what's important to God: 

[God speaking] "I'm aware that things go wrong in your life, that family and friends don't always treat you well, that nothing goes exactly as you want it to.  I grieve with you over the pain that life causes you.  But our priorities differ.  You ask what will work to make your life better, to correct the injustice you suffer, to see to it that more things go as they should in your life.  I want you to ask what holiness would look like in your situation, whatever it is; holiness that might not right the wrongs you suffer but that would let us enjoy each other."

A New Journey - Part 2

You can read the first part of the story here.

In early December, we were searching for a new church home and decided to check out Austin Bible because one of our dear friends goes there.  I went to the church website for directions and was shocked to see something about orphan care in Rwanda, of all places.  Austin Bible is not a large church, so it really did surprise me that they would be involved in Rwanda.  And soon after that, I discovered that a group from Austin Bible was going on a vision trip to Rwanda in mid-January to see how the church could partner to proclaim the gospel in that country.  (Hmmm...what are you up to, God??)

Meredith turned six-months-old on January 20, so I was hoping to start moving on the adoption process in late January.  In mid-January, we heard about an adoption conference in Austin in late February, so Harry and I decided to hold off on anything until after the conference. 

In mid-February, I began an evening study with a large group of women at Austin Bible.  At our first meeting, I was assigned to a small group led by Laura, a woman I had met when I joined the staff of Campus Crusade.  She had been one of the two people to interview me, so I'd been acquainted with her for years but didn't really know her.  There were six of us in our group, and we went around and introduced ourselves.  Laura went last, giving the obligatory details about her family, and then added at the end that she and her husband were in the process of adopting a baby girl from Rwanda. 

In my head, I was like, "WHAT?!?  WHAT did she just say??"  I was reeling.

At the end of our small group time, I spoke with Laura privately and told her that Harry and I also felt called to adopt from Rwanda.  We talked for awhile and I told her that we'd set our sights on Ethiopia instead because we didn't meet Rwanda's requirements.  We hadn't been married five years yet. 

I'll never forget what she said to me - seemingly insignificant but it shifted something in me.  She told me that there were a number of other families in the church going through the adoption process independently in Rwanda and none of them met all of the country requirements either.  I was so startled, but I immediately felt hopeful again.  Maybe we hadn't mis-heard God about Rwanda after all?

She definitely got Harry and me thinking and praying about Rwanda again.

In early March, Laura set up a dinner with six families adopting or thinking about adopting from Rwanda along with Natalie, a missionary with Africa New Life Ministry in Rwanda.  It was so encouraging to hear about each of these families' adoption journeys and about Natalie's work with ANLM and to be able to pray together.

Walking away from that dinner, Harry and I realized that we had switched to Ethiopia because it seemed like the safer and more obvious adoption path, but we both still felt called to Rwanda.  As we prayed, we felt confident that this independent adoption journey in Rwanda was the one for us.  And now we have this completely unexpected community of families around us in Austin who are on the same Rwandan journey.

What are the odds of that??  Seemingly random, but we know this is from the Lord.  We don't have a guaranteed outcome - there is risk involved in pursuing an independent adoption - but we know that this is the journey He has us on.

So here we are, in the middle of an awesome adventure with God.  Certainly not one that I ever would have expected.  Yet Harry and I are SO EXCITED about the prospect of adding another sweet little girl to our family, and we're praying for her already. 

This week, our application was accepted by Mugisha Ministries who will help guide us through the independent adoption process.  We're officially beginning the paper chase.  It's still amazing to me all that has to be gathered, signed, notarized, certified and/or authenticated. 

On Monday, I sent off my notarized request to the U.S. State Department for a copy of my birth certificate since I was born overseas.  (I can't find it anywhere in my house, and the last time I remember seeing it was about ten years ago.)  I hope that doesn't take forever.  Harry was able to walk into a government office here in Austin and get a copy of his birth certificate.  The benefit of being born in the States, I guess.  We both got fingerprinted this week, and I scheduled our first appointment with the social worker who may do our home study.

I'm hoping we can have our dossier ready to go by the end of June.  Who knows.  It'll be interesting to see how long it really takes.  I'm committed to trusting God step-by-step throughout this process, regardless of unanticipated delays or missing documents or unexpected changes in the process or whatever.  God is the One who has led us on this journey, and I am trusting that He will complete it as He sees fit.

My best guess at this point is that the adoption will take anywhere from 12 to 18 months, assuming we get approved by the Rwandan government, but I really don't know.  We have no idea when our sweet baby girl will arrive in Austin or exactly how old she'll be, but we have no doubt that she is a precious gift from our good God.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing"  Psalm 68:5,6