Dazed and Confused

I feel somewhat dazed and confused these days.  I'm not sure how else to explain it.  There's so much going on internally that I'm not totally myself.  As I've tried to examine what's going on, I realize it's not one thing; it's a lot of things.

In preparation for seeing Immaculee Ilibagiza at the Paramount tomorrow night, I read her book, Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust.  I loved it, and I hated it, and I couldn't put it down.  I learned so much, but it left my emotions raw.  The evil was mind-numbingly awful.  I was snapping at my husband and kids because I couldn't control all of the emotions that were spilling out as I was reading it. 

Then I immediately picked up Rosamond Carr's Land of a Thousand Hills: My Life in Rwanda which was incredibly rich and helpful in understanding more about Rwanda.  I finished it up last night, but it wasn't a feel-good ending.  I think I'm still sad about that.  Honestly, I wanted a happy ending.  I wanted to feel better.

Now that I'm immersed in all-things-Rwandan due to the adoption, I can't help but think back to 1994.  WHAT WAS I DOING THAT THE GENOCIDE DIDN"T HIT MY RADAR??  Okay, I know that I was very self-centered and focused on my career back then, but REALLY??? 

I pay attention to the news and always have.  I remember seeing pictures of rivers full of dead bodies in Rwanda and being repulsed by it, but that's it.  I did nothing, and I said nothing about it.  I guess I just figured it wasn't my problem.  Again, REALLY, CICI???

I've been in 2 Kings lately, and the reading has been very disturbing.  It's totally affecting my emotions.  It's hard to read about the evil kings of Israel and Judah and all of the horrible sin, violence, and destruction in detail. 

And I know it's no coincidence that I was reading about Rwanda at the same time.  God is seriously making me deal with the evil in the world and the evil in myself.  I have appreciated the perspective on 2 Kings from 66 Love Letters:

[God speaking] "My people must be crushed into hopelessness and helplessness by realizing that they are being swallowed up by evil.  Any thought that without Me they can escape from the pit into which they have fallen will keep them depending on themselves, not Me.  Very few in any age, even among My followers, have faced the presence of evil within them...I wrote 2 Kings to help you understand the lethal nature of the evil that is in My people and for you to tremble before its power to ruin your life.

As you read this love letter hear this: My plan is moving ahead in the worst of times.  Don't make it your goal to change bad times to good.  Pray for that, of course, and do all you can to improve the world in which you live.  But above all else, seek to know Me better and to represent Me well in every circumstance, no matter how you feel." (emphasis mine)

I don't have a nice little bow to tie on this, or three neat little conclusions to draw from what's going on with me.  All I know right now is that God is moving in my heart in new ways.  I am confident that this adoption is His grace in our lives, and I can't even begin to imagine what He's going to do through it.  But I know that I don't want to miss out on what He has for me.

I'm choosing to focus on Him alone, even as I wait for my birth certificate (almost five weeks now) and wonder when we'll actually get our dossier to Rwanda.  Thankfully, although I feel helpless, I don't feel hopeless.

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."  Psalm 25:5

Counting the Cost

I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears.  It's been that way for months.

I'm not a crier - never have been - so this is really bizarre to me.  I know that it's good and right for me to be more in touch with my emotions and to express them.  For too long, I built walls around my heart to avoid pain, and I NEVER cried, especially not in front of people.  Now I can't help myself.

I feel like God is dismantling and rearranging so much in my heart, in my head, and in my life. 

Some days it just wears me out.  Today is one of those days.  And it's days like these that I get impatient with my kids because I just want to be alone and to think. 

We've had lots of relational hits this past year - some intentional, some not. 

The intentional betrayals and conflict have hurt a lot, and it's taken months to process what's happened.  Both Harry and I have drawn closer to God in the midst of them and are better understanding our own sin and gaining a better perspective of God's holiness.  In some of the situations, God has given us the green light to move on.  The more difficult situations are the ones with family, where we don't have the luxury of moving on, but we don't know how to move forward either.

I'm realizing that the unintentional hits are also taking a toll.  Some of these involve unmet expectations that I need to get over.  Others are situations in which I've taken on too much responsibility, even just emotionally, for other people's problems or inertia. 

Another that I've recently acknowledged are the situations where our values and personal choices are creating distance in once-close relationships.  While it's exciting to be following God on the adventures He has for us, people don't always understand or agree.  That's fine, and to be expected occasionally, but it's still hard to lose intimacy in relationships, whether for a season or for good.  No one really wants to be thought of as "weird" by their friends or family.  (Okay, I don't.)

Harry and I were talking about all of these situations last night, and I recounted, month by month, all that has happened over the past year.  It's no wonder we feel weary.

Even though it's been painful, I know it's part of the cost of following Jesus. 

[Jesus speaking] "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple."  Luke 14:29 (Msg)

He's doing something in me, testing me to see if I will turn back.  Will I value successful relationships more than pleasing God?  Do I want what I want more than what He wants for me?  Will I decide that His way is just too difficult or that He's expecting too much of me?  Will the weariness lead me to apathy?

I hope not.

This quote from 66 Love Letters reminds me of what's important to God: 

[God speaking] "I'm aware that things go wrong in your life, that family and friends don't always treat you well, that nothing goes exactly as you want it to.  I grieve with you over the pain that life causes you.  But our priorities differ.  You ask what will work to make your life better, to correct the injustice you suffer, to see to it that more things go as they should in your life.  I want you to ask what holiness would look like in your situation, whatever it is; holiness that might not right the wrongs you suffer but that would let us enjoy each other."

A New Journey - Part 2

You can read the first part of the story here.

In early December, we were searching for a new church home and decided to check out Austin Bible because one of our dear friends goes there.  I went to the church website for directions and was shocked to see something about orphan care in Rwanda, of all places.  Austin Bible is not a large church, so it really did surprise me that they would be involved in Rwanda.  And soon after that, I discovered that a group from Austin Bible was going on a vision trip to Rwanda in mid-January to see how the church could partner to proclaim the gospel in that country.  (Hmmm...what are you up to, God??)

Meredith turned six-months-old on January 20, so I was hoping to start moving on the adoption process in late January.  In mid-January, we heard about an adoption conference in Austin in late February, so Harry and I decided to hold off on anything until after the conference. 

In mid-February, I began an evening study with a large group of women at Austin Bible.  At our first meeting, I was assigned to a small group led by Laura, a woman I had met when I joined the staff of Campus Crusade.  She had been one of the two people to interview me, so I'd been acquainted with her for years but didn't really know her.  There were six of us in our group, and we went around and introduced ourselves.  Laura went last, giving the obligatory details about her family, and then added at the end that she and her husband were in the process of adopting a baby girl from Rwanda. 

In my head, I was like, "WHAT?!?  WHAT did she just say??"  I was reeling.

At the end of our small group time, I spoke with Laura privately and told her that Harry and I also felt called to adopt from Rwanda.  We talked for awhile and I told her that we'd set our sights on Ethiopia instead because we didn't meet Rwanda's requirements.  We hadn't been married five years yet. 

I'll never forget what she said to me - seemingly insignificant but it shifted something in me.  She told me that there were a number of other families in the church going through the adoption process independently in Rwanda and none of them met all of the country requirements either.  I was so startled, but I immediately felt hopeful again.  Maybe we hadn't mis-heard God about Rwanda after all?

She definitely got Harry and me thinking and praying about Rwanda again.

In early March, Laura set up a dinner with six families adopting or thinking about adopting from Rwanda along with Natalie, a missionary with Africa New Life Ministry in Rwanda.  It was so encouraging to hear about each of these families' adoption journeys and about Natalie's work with ANLM and to be able to pray together.

Walking away from that dinner, Harry and I realized that we had switched to Ethiopia because it seemed like the safer and more obvious adoption path, but we both still felt called to Rwanda.  As we prayed, we felt confident that this independent adoption journey in Rwanda was the one for us.  And now we have this completely unexpected community of families around us in Austin who are on the same Rwandan journey.

What are the odds of that??  Seemingly random, but we know this is from the Lord.  We don't have a guaranteed outcome - there is risk involved in pursuing an independent adoption - but we know that this is the journey He has us on.

So here we are, in the middle of an awesome adventure with God.  Certainly not one that I ever would have expected.  Yet Harry and I are SO EXCITED about the prospect of adding another sweet little girl to our family, and we're praying for her already. 

This week, our application was accepted by Mugisha Ministries who will help guide us through the independent adoption process.  We're officially beginning the paper chase.  It's still amazing to me all that has to be gathered, signed, notarized, certified and/or authenticated. 

On Monday, I sent off my notarized request to the U.S. State Department for a copy of my birth certificate since I was born overseas.  (I can't find it anywhere in my house, and the last time I remember seeing it was about ten years ago.)  I hope that doesn't take forever.  Harry was able to walk into a government office here in Austin and get a copy of his birth certificate.  The benefit of being born in the States, I guess.  We both got fingerprinted this week, and I scheduled our first appointment with the social worker who may do our home study.

I'm hoping we can have our dossier ready to go by the end of June.  Who knows.  It'll be interesting to see how long it really takes.  I'm committed to trusting God step-by-step throughout this process, regardless of unanticipated delays or missing documents or unexpected changes in the process or whatever.  God is the One who has led us on this journey, and I am trusting that He will complete it as He sees fit.

My best guess at this point is that the adoption will take anywhere from 12 to 18 months, assuming we get approved by the Rwandan government, but I really don't know.  We have no idea when our sweet baby girl will arrive in Austin or exactly how old she'll be, but we have no doubt that she is a precious gift from our good God.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing"  Psalm 68:5,6

A New Journey - Part 1

It all started when I had Claire.  As I looked at my precious baby for whom I would do anything, I was haunted by the thought that there were children out there without parents , no one to care when they cried.  Any commercial I saw, or mailer that we received, about needy children would send me into a fit of tears.  I thought I was hormonal and that those feelings would go away eventually.  Not quite.

I never had the desire to adopt.  I remember going to Russia with Clif and Amy in early 2002 when they adopted Johanna.  It killed me to see the kids in such a difficult situation, but I didn't feel the pull to bring a child home for me.  What I left Russia with was the strong sense that my friends had rescued this little girl from a hopeless future.

Over the past couple of years, I have been hearing more about God's heart for orphans.  This has become a strong movement in the Church and has been getting a lot of airtime at conferences and in books.  And in reading Scripture, I couldn't deny how clear God makes it in how He feels about the fatherless. 

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress" James 1:27

"He defends the cause of the fatherless" Deuteronomy 10:18

"I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him." Job 29:12

"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless." Psalm 10:14

"Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." Isaiah 1:17

The more I heard about the statistics, the more my heart was affected.  147 million orphans in the world!  It's hard to even wrap my brain around that staggering number. 

Soon after Meredith was born, I knew without a doubt that my heart wasn't going to change, and I couldn't sit on the sidelines any more.  Now was the time for us to obey God. 

So I broached the subject of adoption with Harry, thinking I was going to have to talk him into it.  Not the case at all.  My incredible husband knows we're called to adopt.  And he's excited about it too.  That was the first of many prayers that God answered.

As I started researching our options - domestic, foster care, and international, I became convinced that our destination was Africa, where the need is so great.  And as I looked at the options within Africa, my heart was drawn repeatedly to Rwanda.  I knew their history, the horrors of the genocide in the 1990s.  The thought that we could be a part of bringing good out of such a tragedy was intriguing and inspiring.  The final straw for me was seeing pictures of Rwandan children.  Beautiful kids from a beautiful country. 

Last October, Harry and I had settled on Rwanda.  We also knew that we needed to wait until Meredith was six months old to begin the adoption process so we had at least another three months to pray, research, and decide.

As I did more research last fall and winter, it appeared that Rwanda wasn't a realistic possibility for us due to country requirements we didn't meet.  In particular, the requirement for the prospective parents to be married at least five years.  We have been married for four years.  And because the adoption process can take a long time, I didn't want to wait another year to begin.  So by December, we had shifted our focus to Ethiopia, but our hearts were still on Rwanda.

It has become very clear that as we've been making OUR plans, God had His plans.  I'm in awe of how the Lord brings people and circumstances together in ways I never, ever could have predicted.  All for His glory.

To be continued...