Okay, I Believe It!

My birth certificate is here.  Yea!!  It arrived in the mail today.

After waiting for nearly twelve weeks, having it in my hands seems almost anticlimactic, oddly enough. 

But I am grateful to God for what He's shown me about myself in the waiting.  He's got a lot of work to do in this messy little heart of mine!

Um, yeah, I really was born in Libya.  (Mom and Dad can explain that one.)  Was that the reason for the hold-up at the State Department?!?  I'm beginning to wonder...  :-)

I'll Believe It When I See It

Every day for the past week, I've tried to contact the State Department about the status of my birth certificate request.  I either get "line busy" or more often, the phone just rings and rings until I finally hang up.  It's been two weeks since my last unhelpful conversation with them. 

Yes, I was born in a very weird country, but does it really take more than eleven weeks to verify that I am, in fact, a U.S. citizen and to produce one document?  Apparently.

Last Thursday, I finally heard from my congressman's office, who I contacted on May 19 via their website form.  I got a letter in the mail, thanking me for contacting them, and another form asking for the very same information I had entered on their website.  Sigh.

I tried not to be pissy about giving them the information AGAIN and I dropped it by the congressman's local office last Friday, where a fresh-faced young man told me my request would get entered into the system asap.  My first sinful thought was, "Yeah, that would have been super helpful three weeks ago!" but I just smiled and said thank you, reminding myself that God is in control of all things, including my little request.

I realize that my issue is very low on the congressman's priority list, but I've never bothered an elected official for anything before now.  I had hoped for better responsiveness and for him to help speed up the process.  That's not likely to be the case now.

I called the State Department again this morning.  I obviously didn't think I was going to get through because I made the call with two little girls underfoot, so naturally, a real person answered. 

The guy, who remembered me from two weeks ago, told me that my birth certificate was mailed on Monday, so I should receive it by next Monday at the latest.  Woo hoo! 

I'm hopeful but can't totally shake my skepticism.  I'll believe it when I see it.  Still, I pray to God that the guy's information is accurate and that I have my birth certificate in my hot little hand soon!  We'll see.

Progress? Not Sure...

I actually got through to the U.S. State Department's Vital Records section this afternoon.  No one was more surprised than me! 

I got the mail this morning, and there was still no birth certificate.  Argh.  So when I put the girls down for their naps, I thought, "Why not?  I'll try that phone number again, but this time, I won't waste two hours."

On the first try, instead of the maddening "line busy" message, the phone kept ringing.  Good sign.  It took me a second to realize that a real person had answered, not an automated message, and I had to jump up and get the phone off of speaker.

I gave the guy my name and birthdate, he looked up my request, and then our conversation went like this:

"Um, it looks like your request is being processed." 
(Yeah, dude, not super helpful.)
"Okaaaaay.  Do you have any idea when I'll be receiving my birth certificate?"
"Probably soon." 
(Riiiiight.)
"How long does it normally take to get a birth certificate?"
"Four to eight weeks."
"Well, my request was submitted over nine weeks ago, and you cashed my check eight weeks ago, so I'm already over that time frame."
"Um, it's in the hands of a specialist."
"Can you tell what the hold up is?"
"No."
"Would someone actually contact me if there was a problem with my request?"
"Oh, yes."
"Is it possible to find out what's holding up my request?"
"Do you want to talk to the specialist?"
"Yes, I would."

Then he put me on hold.  Even in the moment, I didn't get my hopes up.  Frankly, it seemed too good to be true. 

And it was.

After awhile, he came back on the line to tell me that the specialist had "stepped away from his office" and asked if I wanted the specialist to call me when he returned. 

"Why, yes, I would."

I'm not holding my breath.  I didn't even have the heart to ask when I could expect the return call, although it crossed my mind.  I'll be shocked if I actually get that call.

While the phone call wasn't very helpful, at least I know my request has been received, and it's working its way through the bureaucracy that is our federal government.

More importantly though, I know that Almighty God is in control, not some bureaucrat.  It certainly helps me to have that perspective in this situation. 

And I can see that God is using this delay to do more of His work in me.  I happen to be reading in Job right now, and this quote from the Job chapter of 66 Love Letters really hit me this morning:

[God speaking] "To know Me well, you must first be confused by Me.  Only in the mystery of suffering will you stop trying to fit Me into your understanding of life.  Learn this as you read Job:  When you stand before Me in mystery, you will eventually rest within Me in trust.  When you can't figure Me out, you will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope."

I'm definitely confused and can't figure God out.  But I'm choosing to trust that He knows what He's doing with this whole thing!  No doubt, a good place to be.

Oh, The Irony

The subject of surrender has been on my mind a lot over the past year.  I was talking with my friend, Staci, recently about it, and God brought to mind something from years ago.

As I turned 30, I was wrestling with the idea of surrendering my life to God, truly asking Him to be the Lord of my life.  I had come to Christ a few years earlier, but I still hadn't surrendered everything. 

I knew that me being in control of my life hadn't made things turn out the way I had hoped.  In my heart, I wanted to surrender control to God, but the thought scared me to death.  Give up control of the decisions that affect my life??  Yikes.

I was convinced that anyone who really surrendered to God got sent to Africa as a missionary.  And the LAST thing I ever wanted to be was a missionary - in Africa of all places.  It sounded awful to me!  (No doubt because of my complete self-centeredness, it didn't even occur to me that some people really want to be missionaries in Africa...) 

Thankfully, in spite of my fears, God gave me the courage to surrender my life to Him, knowing that He is completely trustworthy and His character never changes.  In the end, I realized that I could trust Him with my future more than I could trust me with it.

Little did I know that God would soon lead me in a new career direction.  At 32, I joined the staff of Priority Associates, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ, so I did become a missionary.  Willingly!  And as it turned out, my personality and experience were perfectly suited to this calling.  It was a great fit and the meaningful career for which I'd been searching.

And eight years later, as God would have it, here we are pursuing an adoption - in Africa of all places!  We long to meet the daughter that He has placed on our hearts.

At 30, I guess I wasn't so off-base in what I was thinking about missionaries and Africa...I just didn't have the details worked out correctly. 

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."  Proverbs 19:21

Isn't our God amazing??!?

My Part, God's Part

Does adoption make an otherwise sane woman lose her mind???  I'm beginning to wonder.

Already I can tell that this is going to be a very refining process for me.  Intellectually, I knew walking into the adoption that I needed to trust God with the process and the timing, realizing that most of it is out of my control. 

I thought I was okay with that.  And I am on most days.  But this whole birth certificate thing is really bugging me.  (Yes, a snag in step one is bugging me.  Not a great sign, huh?)

I was thinking about the missing birth certificate again as I was showering yesterday morning.  And then a thought popped in my head that tempted me to go down a wrong path. 

I thought, "Have I done something, God, that's made you mad at me?  Is that why You're punishing me by withholding my birth certificate?  Don't you know that we can't move ahead with the adoption without it?"

My next thought was, "UH OH.  What's going on here?"

I know better than that.  What bothers me, I guess, is that blaming God is not my normal reaction to things not going my way.

I KNOW that the One True Living God isn't a vindictive, mean-spirited, punishing God.  He is my loving Father who cares for me and delights in me.  He's proven that over and over and over again to me.  He loves me with an everlasting love.  He knows ALL things.  He also knows what's best for me, what's around the corner, and the exact child He has planned for our family.  And He knows what He's doing in me through this adoption.

I think it's interesting that in a weak moment, I was tempted to blame God and demand that things happen my way, on my timetable.  That's not the woman He wants me to be, yet He saw that tendency in my heart.  All He did was show it to me yesterday.  Not a pretty sight.

Do I want my birth certificate to get here?  Absolutely.  But more than that, I truly want to do this God's way, not mine.

I can do my part.  God gets to do His part in His way.

Not coincidentally, after praying about all of this, I realized that I could call the State Department to see if I could get someone on the phone to find out the status of my request.  That's not being demanding or trying to do God's part.

Long story short - it took me awhile, but I finally got a direct phone number for the Vital Records section.  So I called them yesterday afternoon. 

At first, it seemed like I was really going to get some answers.  Yea!!  But in reality, I just got funneled into their automated phone system from hell.   The option to "check the status of a pending request" kept saying "Line busy" and putting me back into the very long main menu.  I resorted to trying every option on the menu (repeatedly), but after every three options selected, I was told, "Goodbye" and hung up on.  Really.

I kept calling back - for two whole hours - but I never could reach a live person. I tried every combination I could think of to reach an operator, but nothing worked.  It was so ridiculous that, by the end of the two hours, I was laughing out loud.  It was a total waste of my children's naptime.  That's the worst part of it for me.  Precious, alone time WASTED!!!

Last night, I sent an email to my Congressman, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he can get some answers for me.  We'll see.  I've done my part.  Now I just wait and trust that God is doing His part.  And I know He will.

It's funny.  I seem to be writing about this a lot, but I rarely talk about it.  My days are full, and life goes on.  But it's good to be able to get it off my chest.  :-)

Now it's time to pack for a fun weekend trip with my honey!  No kids!!  Spa appointments!  Woo hoo!  Thanks, Mom and Dad!!

One Down, A Million More Steps to Go

Okay, maybe not a million, but some days it feels that way.  Today is one of those days.

On Friday, we completed our home study with the social worker.  She's been very easy to talk to and has really engaged in our life stories.  Thankfully, I didn't feel the need to make our home spotless because, frankly, that's not how we live.  She may as well see us in our reality...

However, I did find myself wondering earlier in the week how to make our social worker like us and not think we are religious freaks so we'll get a good report.  Another predictable power grab by my flesh to control my circumstances! 

And then I remembered that she's not in control of this adoption, God is.  Duh, Cici.

It's not about making anyone like us; it's about trusting that God has called us to adopt and that He will work it out according to His timing and His plans, not mine. I'm glad that we laid out all of our beliefs and reasons to adopt because it honored God.

Since I don't usually live by my emotions, I've been surprised how emotionally draining the adoption process has been for me.  It doesn't help that my birth certificate still hasn't arrived.  Seven weeks and counting.  And it's now become a showstopper.  We can't get our home study final report without it or submit our I-600a. 

But in the midst of it all, I find myself drawing close to my Lord.  When I invite Him into my inner turmoil, He provides perspective and His peace that passes all understanding.

I came across a quote recently that really hit me.  "It's not what you believe that counts; it's what you believe enough to do."  

I don't have any doubts about adopting. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is God's calling for us.  This wasn't something that we dreamed up on our own.  I believe it enough to continue to look for that birth certificate in the mail and to make progress on the other dossier requirements. 

One home study down and a million more steps to go to our little girl on another continent.  How we long for her to join our family!

Where, O Where Can It Be?

My birth certificate has still not arrived. 

It's now almost six weeks since I sent off the request to the U.S. State Department for my "consular report of birth."  Thanks, Mom and Dad, for deciding to have me in a foreign country.  :-)

How hard can it be to get a copy of a birth certificate??  Harry's passport renewal only took three weeks.  And the State Department cashed my check for my birth certificate four weeks ago. 

I'm just sayin'...

Getting the mail each day has become a "maybe it'll be here today" rollercoaster.  It's definitely on my mind everyday, regardless of what's going on, because our birth certificates are the starting point for most adoption related requirements.

I confess that I do feel a little frustrated by the things out my control, but I know it comes with adoption - and pregnancy - and life in general.  That, of course, doesn't make me feel any better right now.

The adoption process has been an exercise in patience even in these early stages.  Apparently, patience is God's lesson for me in this season of life.  Things rarely happen in my timing or according to my schedule.  So I'm learning to go with the flow more (not my strong suit) and to trust once again that God's timing is perfect.  Not too slow or too quick, but PERFECT.  I have been tempted on a number of occasions to demand things my way, but instead, I shut my mouth and pray like crazy. 

It was especially hard this week when my friend Kayan sent me a link to another blog.  It's circulating among families who are waiting to adopt from Rwanda.  An American woman living in Rwanda wrote about her experience at Home of Hope Orphanage.  That's the place where our daughter will be living before she joins our family. Reading her blog broke my heart, and I bawled for hours.  It wiped me out emotionally for the rest of the day.

Here are the two posts about the orphanage:  Life Of A Thousand Hills - Annuncia and Annuncia Part II.  As Kayan warned me: be careful.  You'll cry.

I read things like this and wonder about children who need to be loved and why everything has to take so long. 

And then I remember:  God is in control of ALL things, including children who need to be loved, my birth certificate and this adoption waiting period.  2 Corinthians 12 keeps coming to mind:

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"

God's Word says when I am weak, then I am strong. 

I feel weak and helpless about a lot of the details with the adoption, yet God assures me I'm strong because of Christ in me.  His grace IS sufficient for me.  I'm choosing to rest in that truth today.

And yet, I still think, "Maybe today, Lord??"  The mail hasn't arrived yet...